Watching the NFC Championship at your favorite bar means inebriated conflict with our neighbors to the north is inevitable. The following guide will help you come out on top even if the Bears lay an egg.
Don’t bother showing up early
Staking out the best seat at the bar is crucial to your enjoyment of the game. Arriving an hour before kickoff typically ensures a prime seat. But not this game. Packers fans are notorious for their raging alcoholism and will open the bar at 9 a.m. Your sober arrival will only add unneeded frustration to your big day. Instead, grab a 30-pack from your local grocer the night before and enjoy the pre-game show from your couch. Show up at kickoff nice and sauced like you own the place. Your seat won’t be great but the other drunks wearing foam cheeseheads will certainly be annoyed by your boozy self-righteousness.
Know your enemy
Packers fullback John Kuhn has become Jesus Christ in a green jersey to Wisconsinites. Who doesn’t love a scrappy white football player? Kuhn makes Packers fans believe their own failed white dreams may one day come true. Lay into this guy like your jerk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. A Google search for “John Kuhn arrest report” may come up empty, but that shouldn’t stop you from making things up. Just because it hasn’t been proven that Kuhn has a torture chamber in his basement doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Be a history buff
The Packers have had many spectacular playoff flameouts in recent years. There was the last-minute loss to the 49ers in 1999, a 2003 home field drubbing at the hands of then aspiring felon Michael Vick, a pooch-screwing performance in the NFC Championship game in 2008, and some shoddy defense in last season’s 51-45 wild card loss to the Arizona Cardinals. Sure, the Bears haven’t made the playoffs that often but that only means considerable less heartbreak. An informed drunk is a prepared drunk.
Leave Favre out of it
You will be tempted to utter the Great One’s name, his sexting exploits and insufferable persona. Resist this urge at all costs. In five years Favre will be an icon again in Wisconsin, but right now that slobbering Packers fan sitting next to you hates Favre just as much as you do. This will only result in a bonding session over your mutual dislike of Favre and the Vikings. Unacceptable.
Go for the body blow
Words will eventually lead to shoves, and at this point it is game on. When you make your move for the pool stick, don’t go for the head shot. Fifteen beers in the hole, there is a good chance your aim will be off. Instead, use math. Did you know that at least half the adults in every county in Wisconsin are either overweight or obese? Look it up and jab your pool stick like a sword. Odds are you will hit something.
