In a move that was heralded as absolutely necessary by the President and the Commander of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the National Guard was deployed over the weekend to a University of Texas Fraternity party to save Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel from an angry mob of Zeta Beta Tau fraternity brothers.
President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”
The fight between the ZBTs and Manziel reportedly started during a game of flippy cup when Manziel called-out one of the fraternity brothers for not letting his cup come to a complete stop before he told the next brother to chug his Miller Lite. Later on during Beer Pong, Manziel swatted away an errant shot from another ZBT brother because that brother had his elbow over the table. Tensions finally reached a boiling crescendo when Manziel demanded a re-rack at six cups but was advised that was against House Rules. Although the laws of Beer Pong are extremely specific, their is a precedent for “House Rules” where a player can adjust some of the regulations per his own guidelines. The governing body for Beer Pong was unavailable for comment.
Despite the millions in damages and the countless lives lost, the action is being praised worldwide as a huge success. Manziel was able to leave the Fraternity Party with minimal damage to himself other than some Coors Light spilled on his Cargo Shorts and an Oreo Cookie that became lodged in his Birkenstocks. Sadly, the three soldiers who acted as Human shields when the Coors Light Tall Boys were hurled at Manziel were all pronounced dead at the scene.
“Our nation’s military was ready to do whatever it took to get Johnny Manziel back safely so he could get ready for the game in College Station against Alabama on Sept. 14,” Obama said in a six-hour news conference. “We will not stand idly by while angry frat boys, upset after a game of Thumper, Zuma, Moose or Shot Board try to declare Martial Law.”
Although tensions had been calmed, the National Guard as well as the United Nations Peacekeepers were instructed to remain on high alert, especially if Manziel decided to go to the Daft Punk concert Thursday night at the University of Georgia.
