Triple Crown season is upon us, which means people will actually pretend they care about horse racing for a few weekends, and ESPN will command its expert equine analyst Randy Moss to rise from his grave. No, not THAT Randy Moss. The white, bald, nerdy Randy Moss who also works on NBC’s Triple Crown coverage.
Because of the stark contrast between two sports figures named Randy Moss, we here at The Heckler thought it would be fun to do a Tale of the Tape to determine just who the greatest Randy Moss is – the reporter or the cocky NFL receiver.
Home Town
Horse Randy: Hot Springs, Arkansas – Home of what else? Delightful natural hot springs. Also the childhood home of former President/Ladies’ Man Bill Clinton.
NFL Randy: Rand, West Virginia – An unincorporated place with a population of 1,631. The only significant thing it’s known for is Moss himself.
Advantage: Horse Randy
Hair Style
Horse Racing Randy Moss: Completely bald
NFL Randy Moss: Varies, from corn rows to out of control afro. Often accompanied by a scraggly beard.
Advantage: NFL Randy
Height
Horse Randy: Taller than a jockey
NFL Randy: 6’4″
Advantage: NFL Randy
Employer
Horse Randy: ESPN, NBC Sports, NFL Network
NFL Randy: Unemployed
Advantage: Horse Randy
Biggest Achievement
Horse Randy: Somehow managed to make a living being a horse racing analyst
NFL Randy: Record for most touchdown receptions in a single season (23). Also self-described as the greatest receiver in the history of the universe.
Advantage: NFL Randy
Biggest Disappointment
Horse Randy: Seeing Barbaro die
NFL Randy: Never winning a Super Bowl, partly due to his lack of effort, but mostly due to being a team cancer.
Advantage: Horse Randy
Notable Quotes
Horse Randy: A bunch of horse racing jargon nobody understands. Also, that time he gave you bad betting advice that led to your bookies mercilessly beating you.
NFL Randy: “When you’re rich, you don’t write checks. That’s straight cash, homey!”, “People always say that Randy Moss can’t stick to the rules. Even my own rules.”, (To a Minnesota caterer) “What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!”
Advantage: NFL Randy
Final Score
Horse Randy: 3
NFL Randy: 4
It was a close battle but it’s clear that NFL receiver Randy Moss is the greatest Randy Moss out there. Just ask him and he will gladly tell you. Randy Moss loves him some Randy Moss and everyone else should too.
