Defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth has been asked by the Olympic Committee to be the U.S. representative in a new Olympic sport: sitting on the couch. Haynesworth had previously won numerous awards for his ability to do nothing of any value whatsoever, two of which he received as a member of the Washington Redskins, during which he failed multiple physicals and endurance tests.
The couch-sitting event involves participants sitting on a couch (of their choice) for extended periods of time while exerting as little energy as possible. Participants are allowed to consume different types of food including potato chips, pork rinds, and drink cases of beer. Whether or not the participants watch TV, play video games, sleep, or alternate between the three is up to them.
“I’m really good at eating pork rinds,” Haynesworth noted. “I’m glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I’d like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks.”
Haynesworth also noted that his favorite thing to do while on a couch was to play Madden. He frequently changed the attributes of his in-game avatar so that all of his skills are maxed out at 99, and always plays as himself in the game, even having him play fullback while the team is on offense.
