The St. Nash Bulldogs, a 5th-grade CYO boys basketball team based in Queens, has hired former Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. Nash is last in the Queens Catholic 5th-Grade Boys Division and is last in their league in scoring, putting up only 15.6 points per 32-minute game. The so-called offensive genius D’Antoni was hired to replace St. Nash’s former coach who left the team to lead a rival Bronx squad. Since it’s a volunteer job, D’Antoni won’t get paid and is also responsible for bringing the team snacks for every game.
“I’m excited to bring St. Nash to the top of the league and bring this community, and myself, a championship,” D’Antoni said at his introductory team meeting, held in the basement of starting point guard Tommy Antholin. “Since I am so good at turning teams into winners, I have no doubts that I can do the same with this squad. Disregard all of your previous defensive notions, philosophies, and ideas because I’m changing all of them. This team’s new slogan is ’50 points or bust’!”
The addition of D’Antoni didn’t come without controversy as some members of the St. Nash Parish disliked the hiring, claiming that D’Antoni stinks and never wins championships anywhere he goes.
“This dude is an idiot and shouldn’t be anywhere near a basketball court,” Michael Fields, dad of starting small forward Larry Fields, said. “St. Nash hasn’t been good in awhile and won’t get better with this bum coaching. We need someone smart like Phil Jackson instead.”
