Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Dee-troit Lions I believe my boy Ndamukong Suh when he said he saw a spider on that Packer dude’s arm on Thanksgiving, stepping on it to save the man’s life. I guess the No Fun League be hatin’ on the killing of deadly on-field spiders. Gotta kill them spiders!
9 – Denver Tebows Denver’s playbook during Mr. Tebow’s 5-1 streak: Tebow run right. Tebow run left. Tim-Cat! Deep pass to Decker. Moment of prayer. Tebow into end zone, touchdown, Gatorade shower!
8 – Dallas Cowboys ‘Boys beat ‘Fins on late turkey day field goal but the reason they remain in the top 10 over the Saints is those checks Mr. Jerry Jones keeps sending me. I’m putting a new Olympic size pool in my guest bedroom. Pool building is crazy expensive!
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Camtrak on time vs. the “professional” football team from Indianapolis (261 total yards and a funky rush TD).
6 – Houston Texans Lucky Texans can run the ball, play defense and kick field goals ‘cuz they’re losing QBs named Matt (Schaub, Leinart) faster than my left hook. Come on, man!
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers According to my sources at the league office, the entire Steelers defense is facing a two game suspension for picking on soon-to-be-former Chief QB Tyler Palko Sunday night. I watched the game wearing the same leather outfit Faith Hill wears in the game’s intro.
4 – New England Patriots The only time Tom Brady broke a sweat Sunday was when he spent a little too much time drying his hair with the new blow dryer I sent him. The only white guy’s jersey I own is Wes Welker, love that leprechaun!
3 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners got sacked like 23 times (by my count, I was a bit dazed from pounding 12 gravy boats) by Ravens, lose Har-Bowl. Patrick Willis tough as cowboy drunk on whiskey and covered with rusty razor wire.
2 – Green Bay Packers 11-0? Rodgers with a QB rating higher than the rest of the QBs in the NFC North combined? B. J. Raji leaking nacho cheese on opposing linemen to gain an advantage? Here we go!
1 – Oakland Raiders Despite being penalized for roughing on the coin flip the soon to be crowned AFC West champs out-toe the Bears 25-20 behind this week’s Master of Disaster winner Sebastian Janikowski (6 field goals). Keep winnin’ baby!!!!
Program note – The December 4th untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature a guest appearance by Nickleback. Right. If you believe that I got some fist sandwich meat for you to munch on. We will have myself, Marv and T.O. competing in a best abs contest. Marv is a 4-point favorite.
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