An analysis of the deal:
WINNERS
Jon Gruden: His move back to the cushy broadcast booth will now happen a few years earlier than we all expected.
Ryan Pace: Let’s be honest: He was probably going to blow those two first-round picks anyway.
Danny Trevathan: With a dazzling playmaker in Mack on the field alongside him, many of Trevathan’s dirty hits will probably go unnoticed, saving him from countless penalties, fines and suspensions.
Al Davis’ Legacy: His mantra of “Just Trade Away Your Best Player, Baby” is alive and well.
Sam Acho: With his newfound free time, Acho will be able to focus more on his role as the Bears’ union rep, in which everyone gets to pretend the NFLPA has a shred of leverage against the billionaire owners.
The last gainfully employed sportwriter in town: Whomever he or she is, they had the pleasure of spending a holiday weekend writing six or seven columns that’ll get plagiarized by a bunch of a-hole bloggers.
Virginia McCaskey: She might get to see the Bears lose one more Super Bowl during her lifetime.
LOSERS
Aaron Rodgers: Only $54 million of his new $180 million contract is guaranteed, so he’ll barely be getting by when Mack ends his career with a bone-crushing sack in the season opener next weekend.
Matt Nagy: The only thing that carries more pressure than Bears’ fans completely unrealistic expectations is their somewhat realistic ones.
Vegas gamblers: After the Mack deal, the odds of the Bears winning the Super Bowl this year shot up dramatically, which just goes to show people will bet on anything, no matter how stupid.
The rest of the Bears’ defense: Now they’ll actually be expected to, you know, do stuff like force turnovers and stop opposing offenses on third down.
Northwestern: News of the Mack trade cut short the afterglow of the Wildcats’ *HUGE* win against Purdue Thursday night. (Editor’s note: That’s who Northwestern played, right? And they’re still called the Wildcats, correct? Also, do they still have a football program? If someone could please look all these items up for us and report back, we would be forever grateful.)
Pat O’Donnell: His role as the team’s third-leading tackler is in severe jeopardy.
Khalil Mack: He’ll be forced to spend the next six years of his life constantly compared to Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, Dick Butkus, and every defensive player on the ’85 Bears.
Jay Cutler: Even though he’s retired and had nothing to do with this trade, we can never forget what a huge loser Jay Cutler was.
