The murder trial of former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has been thrown out, according to reports. Judge E. Susan Garsh dismissed the case today after the defense showed the courtroom a sick highlight tape of Hernandez in action.
Seen by Hernandez’s legal team as a trump card to anything presented against their client by prosecutors, the tape did its job in pardoning all evidence—including DNA and video—suggesting that Hernandez shot and killed Odin Lloyd in June 2013, according to defense attorney James Sultan.
“We knew going in that this was our ace in the hole,” Sultan told reporters. “Nobody—judge, jury, or executioner—can deny that skills this nasty belong on a football field, not locked in a cell.”
After a 10-hour deliberation on which specific highlight in the tape was the dopest, jurors were unanimous in determining that the acrobatic catches and open-field jukes they saw left them no choice but to ignore the possibility that Hernandez murdered a man execution-style in a construction yard.
Garsh echoed the jury’s decision during her case-dismissal announcement.
“This court has spoken clearly, and I agree with it: this tape is stone-cold proof that Mr. Hernandez has some of the filthiest moves of any tight end I’ve ever seen, therefore I feel I must dismiss this case, its evidence, and its record,” Garsh said before having Hernandez autograph her gavel.
Upon leaving the courthouse, Hernandez re-signed with the Patriots and was immediately suspended by head coach Bill Belichick for missing so much practice time.
