Knowing that many are confused by its disciplinary actions, the NFL has 2014 penalty cheat sheet.
Smoking a little weed for a second time: 16-game suspension
Smoking a little more weed: Lifetime ban, counseling and a rigorous detox program to fight your crippling addiction so that you will learn the error of your hurtful ways and stop hurting our nation’s children
Beating your wife senseless in a casino while being videotaped: Two-game suspension
Unapproved logo on your uniform during a game: Must play the third quarter of your next game without your helmet
Filing a concussion lawsuit: See weed-smoking penalties above
Driving past a medical marijuana dispensary on the way to practice: 4 game suspension and a mandatory viewing of the powerful anti-marijuana piece entitled ‘Reefer Madness.’
Shirt gets untucked after a tackle: Five-game suspension, six if your tattoos are showing
Getting free tattoos in college: Five-game suspension and you have to go the Raiders in the supplemental draft
Watching any movies that star Seth Rogen and James Franco: Eight-game suspension
Being gay: Lose millions in the draft and getting lectured by one guy, Tony Dungy, because you’ve created such a toxic culture in the locker room
Tackling Payton Manning: $250,000 fine for excessive roughness on the quarterback
Tackling Jay Cutler: NFL defensive player of the week
Listening to Pink Floyd while the Wizard of Oz in playing and there’s a Jimi Hendrix Experience poster on your wall: 10% increase in your child support payments
Buying a hemp bracelet that supports medicinal marijuana research for sick children: You now pay a 10% increase in Antonio Cromartie’s child support payments
Getting multiple DUIs and making a felony bomb threat in an airport: Must write a three-paragraph apology letter to the commissioner promising never to compromise National Security again, and you have to mean it.
Going to visit your grandparents even though you know they have old Cheech & Chong Records: 420-game suspension
