Word is breaking today that mere hours after he volunteered to be a “Santa’s helper elf” at a Chicago-area mall, Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw was removed from his duties. Reports are, of course, vague and conflicting.
“He told me to come with him,” said a visibly shaken Ariel Meyer, age five. “But he was bleeding. Then I stepped on a tooth. Then he was gone and I heard stuff breaking.”
Shaw apparently mistook his job to aid Santa and continued in his role as an enforcer. Multiple children were found with their shirts pulled over their heads, and several of the other elves complained that Shaw attempted to pit them against the reindeer in a sort of line brawl. The “reindeer,” in this case, were regular deer with plastic antlers taped to their heads.
“Some kids started asking Santa too many questions,” said Shaw. “So I asked them if they wanted to dance, dropped my little green gloves and went to town. I didn’t think it was a big deal since we were about the same size.”
Adding to the confusion was the spectacle of Shaw being led out of the building bleeding into an extra Santa beard. The few remaining children, who had by then braved multiple taunts and strategically-placed, sharpened candy canes, ran screaming from the mall.
“My son asked that Shaw elf the difference between being naughty and nice,” said Kevin Koplin. “The guy apparently said ‘If you’re gonna be naughty, be really good at it.’ That may be solid advice for a hockey player, but I don’t want my three-year-old knowing that.”
A still-bleeding Shaw and the Blackhawks had no further comment but to wish everyone a very happy holiday season.
