Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – St. Louis Long-Rams A real donnybrook in the Dome! Long-Rams mash Long-Bears 42-21, Chris Long earns the top bunk on family trips over little bro Kyle.
9 – San Francisco 49ers West Coasters wallop Washington, 27-9. Haughty Harbaughs led by Colin Kaepernick’s 235 pass yards/3 TDs.
8 – Indy Colts Beginners Luck running out? Andrew struggles in desert vs. Cards, throwing for only 163 yards in 40-11 cactus KO.
7 – Carolina Panthers Carolina unveils their nuclear option, Comeback Cam! Newton & Co. win 7th straight 20-16 vs. Miami with 2nd straight 4th quarter comeback (Newton to Olsen for the game-winner).
6 – New England Patriots Once again the Pats pull themselves off the mat after almost getting knocked out early, rally from 24-0 to bust Broncos 34-31 in OT. Top Gun Tom Brady makes Mincemeat out of Manning with 344 yards/3 TD passes (earns Master of Disaster for crazy celebration screams w/Gronk).
5 – New Orleans Saints They’re still playing these Thursday night games? It was so long ago, I think I recall the Saints beat Atlanta 17-13. I’m ready for some turkey and real Thursday games!
4 – Kansas City Chiefs Chiefs electrocuted by Chargers 41-38 on last minute TD strike from Phillip Rivers. Jamaal Charles scoots around for 115 yards and 2 TDs.
3 – Denver Broncos Peyton puckers up, kisses Brady’s butt once again in loss to Terrific Tommy. Knowshon Moreno leads the losers with 224 rush yards.
2 – Seattle ‘Hawks (Bye) Looks like they’ll lose two DBs for substance violations (Brandon Browner & Walter Thurmond III). Stay away from them pee cups, ‘Hawks!!! Run!!!
1 – Oakland Raiders This date in Raider history: 1979 – After a win over the Saints, Al Davis & Kenny “The Snake” Stabler drink all the alcohol on Bourbon Street and hitchhike back to Oakland.
Program note – The December 1st edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Thor: The Dark World & The Atlantic City Board of Tourism) introduces our new segment: When the Levy Breaks. Marv goes off on what irks him these days, such as icing the kicker, ice tea (the drink & the rapper) and cubed ice (Marv likes crushed ice for his beverages).
