In a move praised by legal pundits throughout the country, Aaron Hernandez’ lawyer announced that his client will cooperate fully with Federal Prosecutors and testify for the state as they build a case against alleged Mafia Kingpin Timothy Richard Tebow.
Hernandez’ defense attorney Michael Fee issued a press release on behalf of his client: “My client maintains that he was nothing more than a pawn in the Teflon Gator Don’s Mafioso empire this whole time. Everything bad ever done by my client, was done at the bequest of the Iceman of the SEC, Timothy Richard Tebow.”
Tebow is believed to have first forced Hernandez to work for him as a capo when the two were teammates at the University of Florida together.
“Sure, I may have capped a few snitches, but that’s only because I knew what would happen if I ignored direct orders from The Christian Crusher,” said Hernandez.
For years, federal prosecutors have tried to build a case against Tebow but they could never get any of their witnesses in protective custody to survive long enough to testify. Tebow has long been suspected of crimes ranging from racqueteering to gun-running to leaking NSA secrets to China. However, there has never been enough evidence to build a case against him.
Prosecutors are elated at this most recent turn of events. To quote a source from the District Attorney’s office who requested anonymity out of fear for what the Gainsville Godfather would do if he ever found out, “To finally have a living, breathing witness to speak about Tebow’s ties to the Russian Mafia and the Triads and the Felix Arrellano Drug Cartel and the illegal poaching of the Bengal Tiger population is the best outcome we could possibly hope for. If all goes well, Hernandez can expect to sign with any other NFL Team once he assumes his new identity in the Witness Protection Program.”
