In accordance with his new contract, Jose Reyes cut his trademark dreadlocks off for charity, and auctioned them for $10,000. The winner of the auction? Mr. Fred Wilpon.
“The hair will make a perfect addition to our Mets Hall of Fame,” said the Mets owner. “Just because Jose has moved on, doesn’t mean we won’t honor his years in New York.”
When it was revealed who won the bid, analysts and fans alike wondered aloud why the cash-strapped Wilpon would open his wallet for such a bizarre purchase.
“He wants to clone Reyes,” said a recently fired former Mets employee. “It’s been his plan all along. He started reading comic books last year and found a doctor in South America who’s experimenting on rapid human cloning. Now he thinks he can have another Jose by 2014. You didn’t hear that from me though.”
Wilpon was unavailable to speak on the accusation, but Mets VP of Scouting Paul DePodesta confirmed the rumor.
“It’s the ultimate Moneyball transaction,” said DePodesta. “Why spend $17 million a year when you can grow your own Reyes for pennies?”
Sandy Alderson called the claims “ridiculous,” and openly criticized his owner for spending money that could have otherwise went towards the team.
“That 10 grand could have been the extra enticement we needed to sign Corey Patterson as our starting center fielder, and he’s buying some hair,” the angry GM claimed. “I swear, I’m gonna kill Bud [Selig] for punishing me with this job.”
