Citing the Clippers’ immediate success since David Stern gift-wrapped them superstar point guard Chris Paul, the NBA league office has begun exploring other unprecedented rule changes aimed specifically at helping the NBA’s perennial doormat.
“Obviously there is nothing we can do to top the hand-holding required to get them Chris Paul,” said Stern. “Shy of making their baskets worth more points — say their two-pointers become four-pointers, three-pointers become sox-pointers, and so on — shy of that, a more flagrant abuse of power does not exist. However there are small alterations we can make. And frankly, amending the point system was considered, on a limited scale.”
Stern went on to reveal that the NBA had conducted several impartial focus groups in which the topic of Blake Griffin receiving three or even as many as 10 points for a single dunk was discussed.
“That’s an idea with a ton of upside,” said Stu Jackson, chair of the league’s competition committee chair. “First, it instantly becomes the ultimate interactive fan experience. Similar to dunk contest scoring, anytime Blake dunks, fans could text their rating of that dunk from their phone or tablet. The average of those votes being the point amount the Clippers would receive.”
“To top it off, what could possibly be more exciting than watching Chris Paul and Blake Griffin try to pull off a 10-point alley oop in the final seconds of a nine-point game? You know who wants to watch that? Everyone. We may as well be selling air conditioners in hell.”
Another much-discussed rule tweak was framed around the Clippers’ other high-flying big man.
“For some reason, DeAndre Jordan refuses to keep the ball in play when blocking shots,” lamented Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver. “The guy leads the league in blocks, and every one of them ends up in the 10th row. This despite the fact that he plays for one of the most potent fast-break offenses this league has ever seen.”
Under the proposed rule change, the Clippers would be awarded one point any time a Jordan block remains in play, and two points if the block leads to a fast break.
“Hopefully this ‘incentivizes’ Jordan enough to make what is so obviously the right play,” said Silver. “Not to mention how beautifully it marries with the Griffin proposal. Imagine Jordan blocking a shot that Paul then turns into a 10-point alley oop to Blake. You’re talking about a 12-point possession. Do that two or three times per game and they literally go 82-0. Believe me, we’ve run the simulations.”
Other ideas that were briefly entertained included turning off the arena lights when Clippers’ opponents are on offense, allowing the Clippers to play with a one-man advantage, and replacing head coach Vinny Del Negro with any other competent coach.
“We decided pretty early on that replacing Vinny was just a bridge too far,” said Stern. “At some point the bird’s got to leave the nest and fly on its own. We can’t just play God.”
