Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski announced Monday he will be retiring from football immediately to focus on his first love of having sex with porn stars, which is how he reportedly spent his bye week after photos of him with 20-year-old porn star BiBi Jones were posted to Twitter last week.
“I was walking off the field after our loss to Pittsburgh and it dawned on me: Losing football games isn’t nearly as much fun as having sex with porn stars,” said Gronkowski. “And life’s too short to not do what you love, especially if what you love will probably result in you getting AIDS by the age of 30.”
Teammate Tom Brady was disappointed to learn of Gronkowski’s decision and said he felt the budding 22-year-old star was taking the wrong approach.
“Don’t get me wrong, we all love sleeping with porn stars,” said Brady, who’s married to supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “But supermodels are really where it’s at. Even if the one you decide to marry has kind of a man face and doesn’t get all freaky in the sack like porn stars probably do, it’s nice to know that at the end of the day your supermodel wife made a few hundred thousand bucks and probably didn’t have to have sex with a bunch of crazy dirtballs to earn it.”
