In a move that surprised none of his listeners, smartypants sports host Dan Bernstein announced he was bolting from the Score 670-AM to form his own adhoc internet station, SmartySports.com. Bernstein, long a fixture at 670 with his partner Terry Boers, felt the time was ripe for his exit.
“Let’s face it,” said Bernstein. “I am so much smarter than everyone that calls in and is employed by the station. I went to Duke for God’s sake. How many times can you listen to knuckle scraping fans cry about Greg Walker or chortle ‘Da Bears’ before your brain shrinks to the size of a fig?”
The hang-up happy Bernstein shared his condescending ways with listeners for over 12 years. With SmartySports he will talk to only the crème de la crème of sports listeners.
“No drunks, louts, disgruntled Cub fans or anyone with less than a 160 IQ,” said Bernstein. “I am looking for the Mensa crowd here. People who suck at the tit of Bill James and the Sabermetricians. No one who met or heard of Nellie Fox or shook hands with Papa Bear Halas. Smart people … like me.”
Bernstein promoted his fledgling show, handing out “Triskadekaphobia is not a snack cracker” T-shirts while reciting the various wines and Nordic and Greek gods he studied in school. His partner Terry Boers will not be along for the ride.
“Lets face it. Anyone who gets laughs by saying ‘By Cracky’ every day is clearly not SmartySports radio material,” said Bernstein.
Other partner choices include over used smug fill-in host, Laurence Holmes and famed physicist Stephan Hawking.
“Love the idea of Hawking,” said a jazzed-up Bernstein. “Nothing says ‘smart’ like a British physicist. Just need to work out the breathing noise in my home studio.”
Bernstein is ready to begin broadcasting Oct. 3 at his usual 1 p.m. time, but production on his inaugural show was delayed after Bernstein was clipped while leaving the Score studios by a float from a parade celebrating his exit.
