After a lackluster start to the preseason, Eli Manning announced plans to spend rest of the preseason watching his brother Petyon’s career highlights.
“We were simply a mess in game 1 against the Panthers,” said Manning with a sigh. “No third down conversions, linemen flying around like chickens with their heads cut off, a grand total of 36 yards passing. I’m over it. Let David Carr play the rest of the preseason. I’ve got better things to do. I’m going to watch my brother’s highlights.”
When asked why he believed watching Peyton’s highlights would be a preferable to actual playtime, Eli responded that he didn’t want to get hurt.
“Aside from the potential for injury,” Manning said. “Peyton is simply amazing to watch. I learned everything I know from him. He shows you how it’s done. Have you ever watched him whine at the refs? It’s amazing. The guy is a genius. What do you want me to do? Listen to Tom Coughlin? Trust the offensive line to protect me? Please. I’m watching Peyton’s highlights with my dad.”
In a surprise turn of events, Archie Manning shoved Eli aside to speak to reporters himself.
“Look,” said Archie. “Obviously Eli is a complete and utter failure as a quarterback at this point. He needs to see how winners play. I played like a winner. Even though he’s injured right now, Peyton plays like a winner, and maybe if Eli watches enough of Peyton’s work, he’ll figure out how play like a winner too. One thing is for sure, I’m not going to let Eli slip the way Cooper did. Some days I wonder if that boy is even mine.”
