In a move that even hard-nosed federal prosecutors deemed “extreme,” Judge James Zagel immediately sentenced disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich to 25 years to life of Cub fandom today, following his conviction on 17 of 20 counts. An audible gasp could be heard in the courtroom as the sentence was passed. Blagojevich’s long-suffering wife Patty cried “No God no, anything but that!” and had to be led from the proceedings.
Defense attorneys immediately objected to the harshness of the sentence.
“It’s cruel and unusual punishment to say the least,” said defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky. “I’m sure Rod would rather do 15 years of hard time in the general population at Cook County than have to suffer through the next 25 years of his life as a die-hard Cubs fan.”
As part of the sentence, Blagojevich must attend every Cubs home game for the next 25 years in an obstructed view seat in the 200-level, drinking expensive crappy beer he can no longer afford. In lieu of a prison uniform, he will wear an “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt featuring an animated hand pointing up at his face. In addition, he will be required to watch all road games in low-definition, and will subsist only on a diet of peanuts and cotton candy, with one jumbo red hot per week.
Judge Zagel did include several provisions for good behavior, including not throwing back any home run balls, refraining from chanting “Let’s Go Cubs!!” never wearing a “rally cap” and not leering at hot girls.
“That’s ridiculous,” said his attorney. “I doubt my client can satisfy any of those provisions. Zagel’s really running him up the flagpole. I guess Rod’s just a big ‘L’ now.”
A visibly shaken Blagojevich uncharacteristically had nothing to say as bailiffs removed his shirt and began painting a large blue “C” on his chest.
By Dave Gallagher
