Observers hoping baby-faced Rory McIlroy might emerge as the next Tiger Woods were shocked to learn McIlroy celebrated his record-breaking US Open win Sunday with a massive drug-fueled porn star orgy that lasted into the wee hours of the next morning.
“At such a tender age, Rory plays the sort of golf that energizes our fan base like no one since Tiger Woods,” said PGA Director Tim Finchem. “Unfortunately we have learned Rory also shares Woods’ penchant for off-the-course excesses. We’ve got to figure out a way to cover this up.”
McIlroy emerged from his Bethesda, Md.-area hotel suite dazed and confused at around 5 a.m. Monday but took questions from a few reporters who happened to be in the hotel lobby.
“Hell yeah, I dominated that shit,” said the 22-year-old Northern Ireland native. “And then I did it up big. Shagging every porn star I could round up while ingesting more drugs than anyone could imagine. It was pure aces my friends.”
