Kyle Korver, stuck in mid-Teen Wolf transformation his entire life, finally morphed from rugged sharpshooter into an all-around werewolf superstar Tuesday at the Berto Center. During a scrum for a loose ball during the Bulls’ practice, Korver got tied up with Taj Gibson and emerged from the floor sporting fangs, shaggy hair all over his body and a 90-inch vertical leap.
“It feels good to finally go full Teen Wolf,” said Korver. “It is pretty amazing. I am going to show those players on the Heat what jerks they are for teasing me all year and always dating the hottest girls.”
By definition, a Teen Wolf is an athletic werewolf with the uncanny ability to play basketball better than anyone who has ever lived. By the Bulls’ calculations, Korver should average 70 points-per-game the rest of the playoffs. While those are numbers that would undoubtedly lead the Bulls to the NBA championship, many teammates are not impressed with Korver’s newfound gift.
“He is selfish, man,” said Joakim Noah. “We used to be about team play. Now, Korver passes the ball to himself off of our backs and steals the ball from D-Rose on offense. The spectacular 720-degree windmill dunks are awe-inspiring but the guy is a jerk on the floor. I wish he never would have wolfed out.”
As a result of the backlash, Korver is considering playing the rest of the Heat series as Regular Kyle Korver to appease his teammates.
“On one hand I could rack up a quadruple-double every night and date the best looking cheerleader,” Korver said while blow-drying his thick mane. “But what kind of a lesson would I be teaching the kids? Maybe leading the team as Regular Kyle Korver would be an inspiration to everyone. But it is hard to turn down being the world’s biggest party animal and urban surfing on the top of Keith Bogans’ van.”
