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Great news: The Heckler’s September issue has hit the streets. As usual, it’s packed full of unbelievable Chicago sports news.
Among this issue’s headlines
Cubs News
Hendry mad he missed ‘Free Resume Day’ at Kinko’s; Never thought he’d use deal back in March
DeRosa brings Olympics to St. Louis; Further confirms Cubs really screwed up by letting him go
Zambrano signs deal with Abflex as ‘before’ model
Cubs get no-hit in BP; Quade proud of pitching performance, embarrassed for team
Survey reveals Wrigley Field tours are more fun than actual games
Bradley releases R&B album; Features single ‘Booed At Home’
Cubs’ descent from playoff race creates a sonic boom
Johnsonville ‘Loserville’ billboard outside Wrigley takes it too far
New postgame flags revealed on Wrigley scoreboard; ‘KA’ — “Kicked Ass” and “LOO” — “Lucked One Out” for wins and “WB” — “We Blew” and “GKG” — “Got Kevin Gregged” for losses
Tribune ad sales jump after signing deal to sell Cubs; Troubled company’s bad luck ends promptly
Cubs blame last century’s bad luck on ‘Curse of Vine Line’
Woo-Woo in History: The 1969 Amazin’ Mets
Sox News
Alexei Ramirez used as a kite; Elaborate prank by Pierzynski goes horribly wrong
Ozzie rubs eyes after White Sox error, misses three more errors; Team now has more miscues than entire co-ed softball league in Bridgeport
Selig removes playoff berth for AL Central champ
Bears/NFL News
Madden upset with Favre for breaking retirement pact
Favre retires in first quarter, cries to Rachel Nichols at halftime, unretires in 4th
Over-excited Bears bronze Cutler’s arm before season
Jealous Olsen crashes Cutler-Hester man date
Lovie press conference even more boring without constant QB controversy
Joe Buck’s forehead somehow 24 percent larger this season
Vick criticized for barking out signals
Bulls News
Benny the Bull Also ‘Benny the Enforcer’ says mob snitch
Derrick Rose hopes to squeeze one more scandal in before season
Noah prepares for season by skipping pot, booze on Tuesdays; Also, more sex with models to improve cardio
Blackhawks News
Toews caught hopping turnstiles in NYC subway
Heckler Columnist Joe Malonecki wonders about all the Sox trades and Screamin’ Johnny Blaze formally apologizes to Jerry Angelo
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