MLB commissioner Bud Selig confirmed Tuesday what had been widely speculated for months.
“For the first time, I’m revealing to the public that during the period of 1989 through 2004, my primary residence was the location that you see before you,” said Selig, indicating photos of a dark, hidden cave in rural Wisconsin. “Many people wrongly assumed that I was living in Milwaukee, but all those newspapers, radio shows, nightly news programs, people discussing issues and sharing information, it all just got to be too much for me. One thing I’ve learned over the course of my career is that when you have information, people expect you to act on it. And that can be very draining and confusing.”
According to Selig, the cave was his little slice of paradise. No electricity. No television. No visitors.
“Plus, there’s nobody interrupting my day with annoying reports and updates and data,” said Selig. “All I had to do was emerge for All-Star Games, the World Series and a press conference here and there.”
When asked whether he regretted his hiatus in light of the Mitchell Report’s revelations of widespread steroid use during the period that he was away, Selig shrugged.
“On the surface, it might seem irresponsible to have been mostly absent during a critical time in baseball’s history,” he said. “But in fairness, does anyone really think that I would have done anything to protect the game even if I was actively involved? Decisions are hard and I don’t really like making them. It’s much easier to create a fantasy world where I am the hero, and my little cave-house made that possible.”
