ESPN has told NFL analyst Michael Irvin that they will no longer need his services. Irvin, who worked for ESPN since 2003, didn’t seem too disappointed in the network’s choice. The former Dallas Cowboy mourned the decision with a three-day binge that included drugs, sex and more drugs, which was the same way he celebrated getting the job three years ago.
“I have no idea why ESPN wouldn’t renew my contract and to be honest, I don’t care,” Irvin said, while hunched over a large mound of cocaine. “I don’t have to put up with drug tests, Chris Berman and boring-ass Bristol, Conn.”
The unemployed Irvin says he used his newly acquired free time in South Beach where he partied at the hottest night clubs, slept with “a hell of a lot” of women and snorted as much coke as he could get his hands on.
“These last few days have been great. Saturday night was off the hook. I had one girl on my left knee, another on my right knee and a third giving me a hit of blow,” Irvin bragged. “I don’t need ESPN’s chump-change. This is the life.”
Irvin showed he still has some of his “Playmaker” magic left when he jumped over three chairs, caught a falling shot of Patron and stuck a hundred dollar bill into a stripper’s thong, all in one motion.
