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Chicago Cubs / MLB:NL - ARCHIVE
Zambrano to return in straitjacketThursday, July 29, 2010Troubled hurler spewing new 'Hell Pitch' from his mouthWhen troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano re-joins the Cubs tomorrow it will be on the condition that he wear a straitjacket during play, forcing him to pitch with his mouth.Read More D Lee doesn't feel like trying to win a World Series this yearWednesday, July 28, 2010Derrek Lee today informed the Cubs he would invoke his no-trade clause should the team attempt to deal him to a contender before Saturday's trade deadline. Accepting a trade would have helped the Cubs dump some payroll while enabling him to pursue a championship.Read More Retired Piniella to officially retire at end of seasonTuesday, July 20, 2010Soriano will miss manager as 'great motivator'Cubs skipper Lou Piniella announced today that he would be retiring from baseball at the end of the season. The former Manager of the Year's official announcement comes nearly two years after his actual retirement, which occurred when the Cubs were swept from the playoffs by the Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS.Read More Piniella coming out of retirement to manage remainder of 2010 seasonTuesday, July 20, 2010Players motivated by skipper's announcement going to unretire as wellCubs manager Lou Piniella surprised insiders by announcing he would return from retirement to manage the 2010 Cubs through the end of the season. Many close to the Cubs believed Piniella was finished coaching more than a year ago.Read More Piniella uses cardboard cutout of Ricketts to motivate teamFriday, July 16, 2010'With every win, we rip off a piece of clothing'Lou Piniella has been looking for ways to motivate the Cubs for most of the season. He's read books, hired motivational speakers, and in desperation, turned to one of the Holy Grails of baseball movies—"Major League."Read MoreHeckler Exclusive: Insider opinions on rebuilding the CubsFriday, July 16, 2010Even the most casual observer can see that this version of the Chicago Cubs isn’t going to win a World Series. And even the most casual observer probably has their own thoughts on the best way to rebuild the team. But what about the opinion of those that matter most? The Heckler asked some folks in the Cubs organization what they think needs to be done to fix the Cubs. Read More Woo-Woo gets vuvuzela for second half of seasonThursday, July 15, 2010Cubs mascot defies logic and finds way to become even more annoyingFueled by the popularity of the vuvuzela in the FIFA World Cup, Cubs super fan Ronnie "Woo-Woo" Wickers has acquired one of the cheap plastic meter-long horns to play during Cubs games when his favorite team returns home from the All-Star break Thursday night to play the Phillies.Read More Heckler Approved: 13ars of Summer Pub CrawlTuesday, July 13, 2010The 13ars Series is honoring each of the Summer's 13 weeks by visiting 13 of Wrigleyville's best bars on July 31. Celebrate the season by participating in The 13ars Series’ inaugural 13ars of Summer Pub Crawl. Great beer, liquor and food specials will be offered by each of the 13 bars. For more info, please visit www.13ars.com. Read MoreRamirez fires self as hitting coachWednesday, June 30, 2010Jaramillo's attempt to offer tips quickly rebuffedWith his batting average continuing to languish at a pathetic .173, Aramis Ramirez—who earlier in the season anointed himself his own hitting coach--finally fired himself before Tuesday night's game against Pittsburgh. Read More Tribune invents new automaker in headline about Toyota signFriday, June 11, 2010'Toyoto' apparently a merger between Toyota and VolvoThe Tribune scored a massive scoop Friday when it announced to web site visitors that a new car company named Toyoto would be advertising inside Wrigley Field. The signage in question currently belongs to Toyota, but the Tribune found out the company was merging with Volvo to form "Toyoto."Read More Cubs get Toyota sign up just in time for White Sox seriesThursday, June 10, 2010'That was a close one!' says KenneyThe Cubs will have a new addition Friday when they take on the White Sox, but it won't be a much-needed clutch hitter or bullpen ace. Instead, thanks to a feverish installation Thursday, the back wall of Wrigley Field's left field bleachers now features the infamous Toyota sign that's been debated for months.Read MoreCubs ask if they can borrow Stanley Cup to use for Crosstown Cup as wellThursday, June 10, 2010Kenney: 'It would be nice to win the Stanley Cup'Following the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup championship win Wednesday night, the Cubs have asked the Hawks if they can borrow the Stanley Cup for use in lieu of the maligned and pointless BP Crosstown Cup when they battle the White Sox at Wrigley this weekend.Read More Stonemasons decide Cubs won't win Series until 2087Wednesday, June 9, 2010Custodian finds secret society's shocking notesThe predetermined season outcomes of the next 90 years of pro baseball were made public after a custodian found notes from an Ancient Society of the Stonemasons meeting in the basement of Goldman Sachs' corporate headquarters. Read MoreRuined perfect game marks worst thing to happen to Detroit in minutesThursday, June 3, 2010Blown call was 'tragedy the likes of which our city had only seen several hundred times Wednesday'Fans from across the country are calling for umpire Jim Joyce to be fired after his blown call ruined Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga's perfect game with two outs in the ninth Wednesday night, marking the worst thing to happen to Detroit in minutes. Read More Sam Fuld Fan Club becomes Tyler Colvin Fan ClubFriday, May 28, 2010Change only required altering one cardboard signAfter suffering some disappointment when their favorite young player didn't make the big league club out of Spring Training, the Sam Fuld Fan Club regrouped and latched onto another upstart—Tyler Colvin, the offensive hero of Thursday's 1-0 win over L.A. Read More Len Kasper loses his cool on-air, utters 'darnitall' during loss to DodgersThursday, May 27, 2010Cubs' poor showing, power outage at Wrigley prompt meltdownLamenting the game's outcome and 15-minute delay brought on by a power outage, Kasper unleashed a slew of "Darnitalls," "What the hecks?" and "Good griefs." WGN censors were not able to bleep out the profanity-laced outburst in time, subjecting millions of innocent children to Kasper's foul-mouthed rant.Read More Zambrano kicked out of simulated game for arguing balls and strikes with pitching coachMonday, May 24, 2010Rothschild loses patience with fiery sluggerCubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano threw a simulated game today to prepare for a possible return to the starting rotation following a short and ill-fated stint in the bullpen. The simulated game didn't go well, however, as the fiery Zambrano was ejected after just a few innings for arguing balls and strikes with pitching coach Larry Rothschild who was serving as umpire.Read More Cubs selling Zambrano's contract on GrouponThursday, May 13, 2010Contract of highest paid setup man in baseball history being sold at half priceWhen the Cubs moved Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen last month, it highlighted the team's need to offload the three remaining seasons on the five-year $90 million contract the former ace signed in 2007.Read More Drunken Ricketts has first Cubs fan experienceThursday, May 13, 2010New owner passes out in bleachers after 9th Mai TaiA current radio ad campaign that speaks to "Cubs tradition" inspired new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to experiment with the "way of life" of a Cubs fan as he passed out in the bleachers after his ninth Mai Tai during a recent game at Wrigley. Read More Rookie blames crazy Cubs fans for bad Wrigley debutMonday, May 10, 2010Piniella: 'Castro's Commies freaked the bejesus out of Starlin'A group of overeager Cubs fans identifying themselves as "Castro's Commies" dressed like Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to show their support for super-rookie Starlin of the same last name. Their team spirit was misguided as the 20-year-old Dominican native was startled by the presence of what he feared were Socialist rebels in the stands. A flustered Castro had three awful errors as the Cubs lost 4-2 to the Marlins Monday night.Read More Castro completely screws himself with unforgettable big league debutSaturday, May 8, 2010Cubs fans now expecting impossible things from himCubs fans are known for getting ahead of themselves and 20-year-old rookie shortstop Starlin Castro did nothing to temper his already high expectations in his Major League debut Friday night, going 2-for-5 with a homer and six RBI. Fans are now giddy at Castro's prospects.Read More First-ever 'Taser a Phillies Fan Night' a raging successTuesday, May 4, 2010Event to be held more often, expanded to include Eagles fansSecurity at Citizens Bank Field took an important step in combating the d-baggy nature of Phillies fans Monday by hosting the first-ever "Taser a Phillies Fan Night," which was a massive success.Read MoreCubs seriously drop 2 of 3 to goddamned NationalsWednesday, April 28, 2010Chicago leaves 28 men on base for the seriesRather than watch it live, fans with real jobs may have simply assumed the Cubs would take Wednesday afternoon's rubber match against lowly Washington. That would have been a mistake as the goddamned Nationals took the series with a 3-2 win. Read More Sales thriving for Ryan Braun's ugly, overpriced T-shirt companyFriday, April 23, 2010Shirts will 'Have the honeys beggin'' according to Brewers OFAs the Cubs head to Wisconsin this weekend, they'll again face Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun who recently unveiled a line of T-shirts that -- while spectacularly silly and overpriced -- is selling well and is the classiest thing to come out of Milwaukee in years.Read MoreZambrano named Cubs sixth-best starting pitcherWednesday, April 21, 2010Former ace to serve as highest-paid setup man in history of baseballThe Cubs Wednesday announced that -- with the return of Ted Lilly to the starting rotation --former ace Carlos Zambrano is their sixth-best starting pitcher and will be relegated to the bullpen starting Friday. Read More Anonymous Cubs relievers to wear nametagsTuesday, April 20, 2010'How else can I know who I'm yelling at?' asks PiniellaPlagued by poor play and anonymity, Cubs' relievers were recently issued a case of red and white "Hello, My Name Is" nametags and a box of fresh black Sharpies to better aid manager Lou Piniella in learning the names of this year's bullpen when directing scorn for another blown lead.Read More Tuffy Rhodes signed to Opening Day-only contractMonday, April 12, 2010At one point in 1994, OF was on pace for 486 homers that yearWho could ever forget Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes electrifying a capacity Opening Day crowd at Wrigley Field in 1994 with three consecutive home runs off Dwight Gooden?Read More 102nd Annual Next Year Day: Party with The Heckler, Rick Telander and many more at Harry Caray's Sat, April 10Wednesday, April 7, 2010This one promises to be the best one yetJoin The Heckler and Rick Telander this Saturday, April 10, at Harry Caray's Tavern Wrigleyville for the 102nd Annual Next Year Day to celebrate the joy, frustration and eternal optimism that is ... Next Year! This one promises to be the best ever (yes, even better than 1946, 1970, 1985, 1990, 1999, 2004 and 2008 combined).Read MoreZambrano's ERA joins AARPTuesday, April 6, 2010Starter lists himself as spouse to take advantage of great discountsAfter his disastrous outing in Atlanta on Opening Day-—the Cubs' worst season-starting loss in 126 years, since Chester A. Arthur was U. S. President and Sitting Bull was still leading the Lakota Sioux—-Zambrano faced the press and maintained his cool.Read More Comcast SportsNet launches new show: Chicago Sports Team PR HourThursday, April 1, 2010Network will will finally give local clubs a voice on the network they partially ownComcast SportsNet will debut its newest show, Chicago Sports Team PR Hour, next week. According to program director Ed Malone, the new offering will serve as an alternate viewpoint on the state of sports in the city.Read More Cubs unveil beer bong at HoHoKamFriday, March 19, 201020-footer installed in outfield lawnWhile team officials lobby the Arizona state legislature for public money to fund a new Spring Training facility for the Cubs, several off-season improvements were made to HoHoKam Park thanks to a special referendum in Maricopa County.Read MoreFailed automaker partners with failed baseball franchiseWednesday, March 17, 2010'Toyota is the only logical automaker for us to work with' says Cubs execThe Cubs announced a plan Wednesday to place a Toyota sign in Wrigley's left field bleachers, signifying a key partnership between a failed automaker and a failed baseball franchise.Read More Two dorks injured as Cubs blogger war turns violentWednesday, March 17, 2010Debate over in-game chat threads leads to brawlThe tally: two scraped elbows and a bruised thumb. It doesn't sound like much, but when it comes to the dorks in Chicago's sports blogosphere, it's as violent as it gets. Read More Piniella goes AWOL in the SouthwestSaturday, March 13, 2010Cubs manager not in Vegas or ArizonaCubs officials and law enforcement authorities are both concerned as Lou Piniella has gone AWOL somewhere between Arizona and Las Vegas, where the team is currently playing a pair of split squad games.Read More Piniella 'giggly' over signing of Cuban defector SerranoThursday, March 4, 2010Confused manager set to insert star of movie 'Major League' in right field Word came from Cubs camp in Mesa Wednesday that GM Jim Hendry inked 21-year-old pitcher Juan Yasser Serrano, a Cuban defector, to a minor league deal. However, a case of mistaken identity had manager Lou Piniella "giggly" according to staffers.Read MoreSelig forces all teams to hire a Steroid Era hitting coachWednesday, March 3, 2010Sosa, Bonds and Palmeiro follow McGwire's leadAs the black cloud of the Steroid Era fades, Commissioner Bud Selig has sought to correct his indiscretions and blatant incompetence by forcing the fallen heroes from that era to earn redemption by taking hitting coach jobs.Read More Steroid use up 50% among idiot Cardinals fansWednesday, March 3, 2010Study reveals McGwire confession only encouraged these idiotsA recent study has determined that steroid use among idiot Cardinals fans has skyrocketed 50 percent since Mark McGwire's announcement he used performance enhancers throughout his playing career.Read More Toyota Park recalled due to design flawFriday, Feb. 26, 2010Defect causes rapid, uncontrolled acceleration of beer consumptionToyota Park, home of the MLS's Chicago Fire, is being recalled due to a design defect that causes fans to experience rapid, uncontrolled acceleration of beer consumption.Read MorePiniella follows Guillen's lead, starts TweetingFeb. 25, 2010Technologically challenged skipper accidentally throws players under the busLou Piniella, curious about the popular social networking Web site Twitter following news that Ozzie Guillen would be tweeting, had a team intern create a personal account for him under the screen name "Sweet Lou 1943."Read More Soriano promises Gold Glove after off-season of inactivityTuesday, Feb. 23, 2010Piniella prepares to stick gimpy outfielder back at top of orderThe Cubs' $136 million man Alfonso Soriano reported to camp in Mesa Monday claiming he is only 80 to 85 recovered from the arthroscopic knee surgery he had last September, which leaves fans wondering what the hell he's been doing for the past five months.Read More Tiger Woods announces switch to baseballFriday, Feb. 19, 2010Marital infidelity, sex addiction goes unmentioned at morning announcementTiger Woods shocked the sports world today by announcing that he has retired from the PGA and will attempt a new career in professional baseball. Read MoreWrigley Old Style vendors to allow line-jumpers with 20% surchargeFriday, Feb. 19, 2010'If it works for the big boys, why not us?'Taking a cue from the Cubs ticket office’s recent decision to sell single-game tickets at a 20 percent mark-up ahead of the general start of ticket sales, Old Style vendors at Wrigley are discussing a similar strategy to maximize their profits. Read More Woo-Woo in History: The Saint Valentine's Day MassacreFriday, Feb. 12, 2010Wickers found a way to work himself into photos of the event more than 80 years agoThe best-known gangland incident in Chicago was the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre in Lincoln Park. Even though it happened more than 80 years ago, Cubs superfan and notorious publicity hound Ronnie “Woo-Woo” found his way into photos of the event.Read More
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