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Chicago Cubs / MLB:NL - ARCHIVE

David Kaplan doesn’t know what to do with himself after Theriot trade
Monday, Aug. 2, 2010
Media personality must take his career off auto-pilot
Local sports media personality David Kaplan says that he was practically at a loss for words following the trade of his sidekick Ryan Theriot to the Dodgers just before the July 31 trade deadline.
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Suddenly cash-strapped Cubs will hire part-time managers to save on health insurance costs
Friday, July 30, 2010
Girardi, Torre, Sandberg to split duties, hopefully not get sick
Hiring part-time managers is the latest in a series of revenue-enhancers, such as Cubs Fantasy Camp, the PNC Club, the Toyota sign and the Noodle, announced by the Cubs in 2010.
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Missed The Heckler Half Hour Comedy Spectacular a couple weeks ago? Check it out here
Friday, July 30, 2010
Guaranteed to be the best half hour of the next 60 minutes of your life
In case you missed The Heckler's cable access show a couple weeks back because you had something better to do at 10 on a Sunday night, here it is for you to watch at your leisure.
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Zambrano to return in straitjacket
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Troubled hurler spewing new 'Hell Pitch' from his mouth
When troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano re-joins the Cubs tomorrow it will be on the condition that he wear a straitjacket during play, forcing him to pitch with his mouth.
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D Lee doesn't feel like trying to win a World Series this year
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Derrek Lee today informed the Cubs he would invoke his no-trade clause should the team attempt to deal him to a contender before Saturday's trade deadline. Accepting a trade would have helped the Cubs dump some payroll while enabling him to pursue a championship.
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Aramis to try out for NBA; 'I love the 82-game season' says third baseman
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
'I want to play a sport where my team will actually put some points on the board'
Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez recently announced he's going to try out for the NBA this fall, citing the league's 82-game season as the perfect length for his dwindling work ethic.
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Cubs to establish Hall of Fame in broom closet of new Wrigley retail development
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Kenney elated by the news
In the near future, Clark Street near Wrigley Field may have a distinctly different look as old standbys like Goose Island Brewery and Salt & Pepper Diner are leveled for a new retail complex that was recently approved.
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Zambrano to pitch from lotus position
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The former Cubs ace has taken to a new life -- and pitching -- style.

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Radio Brief: Sox admit they turned around season just to piss off Cubs fans
Thursday, Jul. 22, 2010
Paul Konerko says the team's incredible turnaround was inspired by their enjoyment of messing with Cubs fans.
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Retired Piniella to officially retire at end of season
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Soriano will miss manager as 'great motivator'
Cubs skipper Lou Piniella announced today that he would be retiring from baseball at the end of the season. The former Manager of the Year's official announcement comes nearly two years after his actual retirement, which occurred when the Cubs were swept from the playoffs by the Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS.
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Piniella coming out of retirement to manage remainder of 2010 season
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Players motivated by skipper's announcement going to unretire as well
Cubs manager Lou Piniella surprised insiders by announcing he would return from retirement to manage the 2010 Cubs through the end of the season. Many close to the Cubs believed Piniella was finished coaching more than a year ago.
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Hendry follows Piniella's lead, announces he'll retire after 2016 season
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Ricketts not so sure he agrees with Hendry's plan
In the wake of Lou Piniella's annoucement that he'll be retired after this season, GM Jim Hendry said he too will be calling it quits, but not until 2016.
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Sox fan gets U.S. Cellular Field scoreboard-influenced spinner rims on Camaro
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sox fan Delvin Tucker got the birthday gift of a lifetime when his wife Destiny surprised him with new spinners for his Camaro. The spinners, which resemble the multi-colored pinwheels on the U.S. Cellular Field scoreboard, were paid for by a combination of food stamps, a broken down Go-Kart, and a rusting yield sign.
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Piniella uses cardboard cutout of Ricketts to motivate team
Friday, July 16, 2010
'With every win, we rip off a piece of clothing'
Lou Piniella has been looking for ways to motivate the Cubs for most of the season. He's read books, hired motivational speakers, and in desperation, turned to one of the Holy Grails of baseball movies—"Major League."
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Heckler Exclusive: Insider opinions on rebuilding the Cubs
Friday, July 16, 2010
Even the most casual observer can see that this version of the Chicago Cubs isn’t going to win a World Series. And even the most casual observer probably has their own thoughts on the best way to rebuild the team. But what about the opinion of those that matter most? The Heckler asked some folks in the Cubs organization what they think needs to be done to fix the Cubs.

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Cubs discipline Big Z by making him continue to pitch for them
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Cubs disciplined Carlos Zambrano, following his outburst in the dugout last month, by advising the maligned hurler that he still has to pitch for them consistent with the terms laid out in the five-year, $91 million contract he signed in 2007.
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Woo-Woo gets vuvuzela for second half of season
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Cubs mascot defies logic and finds way to become even more annoying
Fueled by the popularity of the vuvuzela in the FIFA World Cup, Cubs super fan Ronnie "Woo-Woo" Wickers has acquired one of the cheap plastic meter-long horns to play during Cubs games when his favorite team returns home from the All-Star break Thursday night to play the Phillies.
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Heckler Approved: 13ars of Summer Pub Crawl
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The 13ars Series is honoring each of the Summer's 13 weeks by visiting 13 of Wrigleyville's best bars on July 31. Celebrate the season by participating in The 13ars Series’ inaugural 13ars of Summer Pub Crawl. Great beer, liquor and food specials will be offered by each of the 13 bars. For more info, please visit www.13ars.com.
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Radio Brief: Woman pissed recent run of decent play has made husband care about Cubs again
Monday, July 12, 2010
A woman can't believe her husband has been fooled into thinking the Cubs still have a chance.
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July '10 issue is out: Big Z returns, Cubs get Hall of Fame, Hawks make another big trade
Monday, July 12, 2010
Another month of unbelievable sports news
With so much going on in Chicago's topsy-turvy sports world, The Heckler's July issue is here to help you make sense of it all.
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Angels' Rally Monkey drugged even more than usual to prepare for All-Star festivities
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday's 2010 All-Star Game in Anaheim will feature Angels mascot "The Rally Monkey" frequently during the festivities throughout the weekend.
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Heckler Approved: Cubs Fan Report
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The 2010 Cubs may suck, the these guys don't.
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Radio Brief: Zambrano explodes in spectacular Fourth of July display
Monday, Jul. 5, 2010
Some of the Independence Day fireworks seen in the Chicago sky were actually the Cubs pitcher once again blowing up.
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Practical joke goes terribly awry as Dempster gets stuck in Wrigley men's room trough
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A clubhouse practical joke went awry at Wrigley Field when Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster found himself trapped knee-deep in a trough in a stadium men's room.
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Radio Brief: Cubs fan considers unprecedented switch to the Sox after Zambrano blowup
Monday, Jun. 28, 2010
Zambrano's latest antics cause one North Side fan to contemplate what used to be unthinkable.
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Ramirez fires self as hitting coach
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Jaramillo's attempt to offer tips quickly rebuffed
With his batting average continuing to languish at a pathetic .173, Aramis Ramirez—who earlier in the season anointed himself his own hitting coach--finally fired himself before Tuesday night's game against Pittsburgh.

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White Sox award BP Cup to Carlos Zambrano
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
In a surprise move, the White Sox, winners of the first-ever BP Crosstown Cup, have voted to award the trophy to suspended Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano.
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Save 70% at Fifty/50's "National 40 Week" this Friday night
Monday, June 28, 2010
Kick off your 4th of July weekend in style
The Heckler is once again co-sponsoring Fifty/50's National 40 Week. Join us Friday, July 2nd for the "All Things Mickey" Party at 10 p.m. Pre-pay for a massive discount and a chance to win some great stuff.
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Winner of Crosstown Cup to be awarded 5th place in AL West
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Adding yet another chapter to their exciting crosstown series legacy, the winner of the Crosstown Cup between the Cubs and White Sox will be awarded fifth place in the American League West.
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Radio Brief: Hendry makes another bad move, giving himself a 5-year extension
Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2010
The Cubs GM continues his disappointing run by extending his disappointing run.
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Cubs perfectly represent 2010 season with limp noodle 'art' outside Wrigley
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Ad for Kraft compared to Millennium Park's Bean
Just hours before their rain-delayed, error-plagued loss to the A's, the Cubs found a perfect way to portray their 2010 season by erecting a giant limp noodle ad statue outside Wrigley Field.
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Cubs fan unable to trade extra bleacher ticket for bag of peanuts last night
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Vendor says ticket is worthless
Cubs fan Brad Feldman was stuck with an extra bleacher ticket to Tuesday night's rain-delayed game against the A's and had no luck selling it on the street for even pennies on the dollar, so he tried to get at least some value out it.
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Blackhawks take break from touring libraries and soup kitchens to bring Stanley Cup to Wrigley
Monday, June 14, 2010
Partying fans finally get chance to see players and their Cup
The Blackhawks postponed their Stanley Cup weekend tour of community organizations to stop at Wrigley Field for Sunday night's Cubs-Sox game. Fans were thrilled to finally have a chance to finally party with the players and their trophy.
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Radio Brief: No longer distracted by Blackhawks, Cubs fan realizes team sucks
Monday, Jun. 14, 2010
With the Stanley Cup playoffs over, a North Side fan pays attention to baseball for the first time only to discover the season is basically over.
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Tribune invents new automaker in headline about Toyota sign
Friday, June 11, 2010
'Toyoto' apparently a merger between Toyota and Volvo
The Tribune scored a massive scoop Friday when it announced to web site visitors that a new car company named Toyoto would be advertising inside Wrigley Field. The signage in question currently belongs to Toyota, but the Tribune found out the company was merging with Volvo to form "Toyoto."
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Cubs get Toyota sign up just in time for White Sox series
Thursday, June 10, 2010
'That was a close one!' says Kenney
The Cubs will have a new addition Friday when they take on the White Sox, but it won't be a much-needed clutch hitter or bullpen ace. Instead, thanks to a feverish installation Thursday, the back wall of Wrigley Field's left field bleachers now features the infamous Toyota sign that's been debated for months.
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June '10 Issue is out: Hawks are champs; Crosstown winner to be awarded 5th in AL West
Friday, June 11, 2010
All the unbelievable Chicago sports news you can handle
With so much going on in Chicago's topsy-turvy sports world, The Heckler's June issue is here to help you make sense of it all.

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Wrigley marquee again used to congratulate champions other than Cubs
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Someday?
The Cubs typically use the electronic message board on their famed stadium marquee to broadcast messaging from corporate sponsors. Occasionally they congratulate another team for winning a championship. Someday maybe that team will be them.
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Thousands gather in Wrigleyville to celebrate Cubs' 9-4 win over Milwaukee Wednesday night
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Fans chant 'Philly sucks!' while proclaiming Chicago champs
The intersection of Clark and Addison was filled with fans celebrating the Cubs huge 9-4 win in Milwaukee Wednesday night, which moved the North Siders to just five games under .500 and 6.5 games behind the first-place Cincinnati Reds in the NL Central.
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Cubs ask if they can borrow Stanley Cup to use for Crosstown Cup as well
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Kenney: 'It would be nice to win the Stanley Cup'
Following the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup championship win Wednesday night, the Cubs have asked the Hawks if they can borrow the Stanley Cup for use in lieu of the maligned and pointless BP Crosstown Cup when they battle the White Sox at Wrigley this weekend.
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Stonemasons decide Cubs won't win Series until 2087
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Custodian finds secret society's shocking notes
The predetermined season outcomes of the next 90 years of pro baseball were made public after a custodian found notes from an Ancient Society of the Stonemasons meeting in the basement of Goldman Sachs' corporate headquarters.

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Ruined perfect game marks worst thing to happen to Detroit in minutes
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Blown call was 'tragedy the likes of which our city had only seen several hundred times Wednesday'
Fans from across the country are calling for umpire Jim Joyce to be fired after his blown call ruined Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga's perfect game with two outs in the ninth Wednesday night, marking the worst thing to happen to Detroit in minutes.

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Doug Glanville to appear on The Interview Show Friday night at the Hideout
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Former Cub headlines super-cool live show at 6:30
Host of the super-cool "The Interview Show" and friend of The Heckler Mark Bazer will be joined by former Cub and author Doug Glanville and several other guests this Friday night at the Hideout.

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Grabow lands on DL with bruised ego, broken fastball
Monday, May 31, 2010
Piniella not sure when lefty will return
Cubs reliever John Grabow has been sent to the disabled list with a bruised ego and broken fastball.
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Sam Fuld Fan Club becomes Tyler Colvin Fan Club
Friday, May 28, 2010
Change only required altering one cardboard sign
After suffering some disappointment when their favorite young player didn't make the big league club out of Spring Training, the Sam Fuld Fan Club regrouped and latched onto another upstart—Tyler Colvin, the offensive hero of Thursday's 1-0 win over L.A.
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Len Kasper loses his cool on-air, utters 'darnitall' during loss to Dodgers
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Cubs' poor showing, power outage at Wrigley prompt meltdown
Lamenting the game's outcome and 15-minute delay brought on by a power outage, Kasper unleashed a slew of "Darnitalls," "What the hecks?" and "Good griefs." WGN censors were not able to bleep out the profanity-laced outburst in time, subjecting millions of innocent children to Kasper's foul-mouthed rant.
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Ball pit added to warning track in left so Soriano won't be so afraid of wall
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Also gives Piniella somewhere to nap
Alfonso Soriano's fear of the brick outfield wall at Wrigley has been well-documented. In hopes of quashing the phobia of their $136 million man, Cubs officials have added ball pits to the warning track, enticing Soriano to dive into the area.
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Zambrano kicked out of simulated game for arguing balls and strikes with pitching coach
Monday, May 24, 2010
Rothschild loses patience with fiery slugger
Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano threw a simulated game today to prepare for a possible return to the starting rotation following a short and ill-fated stint in the bullpen. The simulated game didn't go well, however, as the fiery Zambrano was ejected after just a few innings for arguing balls and strikes with pitching coach Larry Rothschild who was serving as umpire.
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Video Report: First-ever UFC promotion at U.S. Cellular Field deemed successful
Monday, May 24, 2010
Fans beat each other up while fans cheer and security stays away
Late last week, the White Sox held their first-ever joint promotion with the Ultimate Fighting Championship and allowed fans to duke it out in the stands while an angry mob of fans cheered, threw beers and even joined in.
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Radio Brief: Cubs, Sox pin playoff hopes on petition to combine their win totals
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The two Chicago baseball teams realize their only shot at making it to the postseason this year is if they're allowed to pool their wins together.
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Wrigley skybox converted to actual money-burning machine
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Selig intrigued by unique revenue stream
With the economy in the tank, many businesses can't afford the high-priced luxury of a Wrigley suite. To accomodate this, the Cubs have converted one skybox into an actual money-burning machine.
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Cubs selling Zambrano's contract on Groupon
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Contract of highest paid setup man in baseball history being sold at half price
When the Cubs moved Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen last month, it highlighted the team's need to offload the three remaining seasons on the five-year $90 million contract the former ace signed in 2007.
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Radio Brief: Piniella takes different approach to nonsensical post-game ramblings
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Cubs manager went about confusing reporters in a brand new way this week.
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Drunken Ricketts has first Cubs fan experience
Thursday, May 13, 2010
New owner passes out in bleachers after 9th Mai Tai
A current radio ad campaign that speaks to "Cubs tradition" inspired new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to experiment with the "way of life" of a Cubs fan as he passed out in the bleachers after his ninth Mai Tai during a recent game at Wrigley.

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Wrigley rooftops to show remaining Hawks playoff games on giant flatscreens
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
View of Cubs games to be blocked, but no one on rooftops seems to mind
As the Cubs were flailing away to yet another loss Tuesday night, the Blackhawks had captured the city's attention on their way to a 5-1 drubbing of the Canucks that solidified a berth to the Western Conference Finals.
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Rookie blames crazy Cubs fans for bad Wrigley debut
Monday, May 10, 2010
Piniella: 'Castro's Commies freaked the bejesus out of Starlin'
A group of overeager Cubs fans identifying themselves as "Castro's Commies" dressed like Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to show their support for super-rookie Starlin of the same last name. Their team spirit was misguided as the 20-year-old Dominican native was startled by the presence of what he feared were Socialist rebels in the stands. A flustered Castro had three awful errors as the Cubs lost 4-2 to the Marlins Monday night.
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May '10 issue is out: Ricketts has first true 'Cubs fan' experience; Cubs use Groupon to unload Zambrano contract; and more
Monday, May 10, 2010
Crosstown Cup finally gives Cubs an opportunity to win a trophy; Kasper loses his cool on-air
The Heckler's May issue has hit the streets and like every issue, this one's packed with unbelievable sports news.
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Castro completely screws himself with unforgettable big league debut
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Cubs fans now expecting impossible things from him
Cubs fans are known for getting ahead of themselves and 20-year-old rookie shortstop Starlin Castro did nothing to temper his already high expectations in his Major League debut Friday night, going 2-for-5 with a homer and six RBI. Fans are now giddy at Castro's prospects.
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First-ever 'Taser a Phillies Fan Night' a raging success
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Event to be held more often, expanded to include Eagles fans
Security at Citizens Bank Field took an important step in combating the d-baggy nature of Phillies fans Monday by hosting the first-ever "Taser a Phillies Fan Night," which was a massive success.
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Cubs offense, pitching finally on the same page as both suck in 13-5 loss to Arizona
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Meaningless Fukudome grand slam makes defeat seem a little less terrible
Crowds gathered outside Wrigley prior to Thursday's matinee against the Diamondbacks to protest Arizona's new immigration legislation but the angry mob should have focused on the inhumanities taking place inside the stadium.
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Piniella names Rothschild starting catcher in order to increase mound visits
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Cubs pitching coach to replace Ramirez in batting order
A week after moving Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen, Cubs manager Lou Piniella made another bold change, naming pitching coach Larry Rothschild the team's starting catcher.

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Radio Brief: Second major shake-up for Cubs as Piniella moves Rothschild behind the plate
Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2010
The Cubs skipper is doing everything he can to help his struggling bullpen, first making Zambrano a reliever and now turning his pitching coach into a catcher so he'll have unlimited trips to the mound.
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Cubs seriously drop 2 of 3 to goddamned Nationals
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Chicago leaves 28 men on base for the series
Rather than watch it live, fans with real jobs may have simply assumed the Cubs would take Wednesday afternoon's rubber match against lowly Washington. That would have been a mistake as the goddamned Nationals took the series with a 3-2 win.

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Check out The Heckler on Chicago Public Radio's vocalo.org Wednesday at noon
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Even people who aren't 'experts' can participate
Live chat about Chicago sports to be archived forever and forever after it ends at 1.

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Girlfriend who won't stop talking about Derrek Lee's butt not invited back to games
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Woman describes first baseman's posterior as 'mind-blowing'
Al Shapiro's girlfriend Suzy Snell will not be invited to future Cubs games after incessantly talking about Cubs 1B Derrek Lee's butt at a game earlier this month.
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Sales thriving for Ryan Braun's ugly, overpriced T-shirt company
Friday, April 23, 2010
Shirts will 'Have the honeys beggin'' according to Brewers OF
As the Cubs head to Wisconsin this weekend, they'll again face Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun who recently unveiled a line of T-shirts that -- while spectacularly silly and overpriced -- is selling well and is the classiest thing to come out of Milwaukee in years.
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Zambrano named Cubs sixth-best starting pitcher
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Former ace to serve as highest-paid setup man in history of baseball
The Cubs Wednesday announced that -- with the return of Ted Lilly to the starting rotation --former ace Carlos Zambrano is their sixth-best starting pitcher and will be relegated to the bullpen starting Friday.

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Piniella reassigns Zambrano 100 feet farther from Addison St. Starbucks
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Cubs skipper hopes daily extra-foamy latte with four shots of espresso is going to take more effort
One-time Cubs ace and chronic under-hydrator Carlos Zambrano was assigned to the bullpen Wednesday to make room in the starting rotation for Ted Lilly who's coming off the DL.
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Radio Brief: Now on ESPN, Schilling still doesn't realize everyone thinks he's a jag-off
Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2010
The newest baseball analyst on ESPN is under the false impression that people actually will value his opinions.
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Anonymous Cubs relievers to wear nametags
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
'How else can I know who I'm yelling at?' asks Piniella
Plagued by poor play and anonymity, Cubs' relievers were recently issued a case of red and white "Hello, My Name Is" nametags and a box of fresh black Sharpies to better aid manager Lou Piniella in learning the names of this year's bullpen when directing scorn for another blown lead.
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Soriano, Soto try to call in sick for Saturday's game vs. Astros
Saturday, April 17, 2010
After partying in a suite with teammates during the Blackhawks loss to Nashville Friday night, both Alfonso Soriano and and Geovany Soto tried to call in sick for Saturday's 12:05 game at Wrigley against the Astros.
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Radio Brief: Chicagoland women wishing they had taken advantage of their husband's attention before losing it to baseball
Thursday, Apr. 15, 2010
Husbands once again checking out emotionally for the next six months.
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Tuffy Rhodes signed to Opening Day-only contract
Monday, April 12, 2010
At one point in 1994, OF was on pace for 486 homers that year
Who could ever forget Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes electrifying a capacity Opening Day crowd at Wrigley Field in 1994 with three consecutive home runs off Dwight Gooden?
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April '10 issue is out: Unknown relievers get nametags, Soto donates weight to Cubs Care and much more
Monday, April 12, 2010
Check out pics from Next Year Day
The Heckler's April issue has hit the streets just in time for the Cubs home opener.
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102nd Annual Next Year Day: Party with The Heckler, Rick Telander and many more at Harry Caray's Sat, April 10
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
This one promises to be the best one yet
Join The Heckler and Rick Telander this Saturday, April 10, at Harry Caray's Tavern Wrigleyville for the 102nd Annual Next Year Day to celebrate the joy, frustration and eternal optimism that is ... Next Year! This one promises to be the best ever (yes, even better than 1946, 1970, 1985, 1990, 1999, 2004 and 2008 combined).
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Zambrano's ERA joins AARP
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Starter lists himself as spouse to take advantage of great discounts
After his disastrous outing in Atlanta on Opening Day-—the Cubs' worst season-starting loss in 126 years, since Chester A. Arthur was U. S. President and Sitting Bull was still leading the Lakota Sioux—-Zambrano faced the press and maintained his cool.
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Sox offer 20% ticket discount to any fan carrying valid credit card
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The only catch: It must have their name on it
When the Cubs teamed up with MasterCard this winter to gouge fans on tickets, the White Sox eventually decided to follow suit.

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Comcast SportsNet launches new show: Chicago Sports Team PR Hour
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Network will will finally give local clubs a voice on the network they partially own
Comcast SportsNet will debut its newest show, Chicago Sports Team PR Hour, next week. According to program director Ed Malone, the new offering will serve as an alternate viewpoint on the state of sports in the city.
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Radio Brief: Like Bradley, Kevin Gregg claims he was victim of Cubs fan prejudice
Wednesday, Mar. 24, 2010
The Cubs former closer says North Side fans also have hatred of dorky-goggled white men.
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Cubs unveil beer bong at HoHoKam
Friday, March 19, 2010
20-footer installed in outfield lawn
While team officials lobby the Arizona state legislature for public money to fund a new Spring Training facility for the Cubs, several off-season improvements were made to HoHoKam Park thanks to a special referendum in Maricopa County.
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Failed automaker partners with failed baseball franchise
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
'Toyota is the only logical automaker for us to work with' says Cubs exec
The Cubs announced a plan Wednesday to place a Toyota sign in Wrigley's left field bleachers, signifying a key partnership between a failed automaker and a failed baseball franchise.
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Two dorks injured as Cubs blogger war turns violent
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Debate over in-game chat threads leads to brawl
The tally: two scraped elbows and a bruised thumb. It doesn't sound like much, but when it comes to the dorks in Chicago's sports blogosphere, it's as violent as it gets.

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Woo-Woo in History: Beware of the Ides of March
Monday, March 15, 2010
'Et tu Woo-Woo?'
Moments before Julius Caesar was murdered on March 15, 44 BC, he was reported to have uttered "Et tu Brute?" to a close friend who assisted in the assassination. This is a misquote.
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Piniella goes AWOL in the Southwest
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Cubs manager not in Vegas or Arizona
Cubs officials and law enforcement authorities are both concerned as Lou Piniella has gone AWOL somewhere between Arizona and Las Vegas, where the team is currently playing a pair of split squad games.
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March 10 issue is out: Cubs beer bong; Bloggers brawl; and much more
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Among the headlines: Sox consider English broadcasts; Comcast launches new show
The Heckler's March issue has hit the streets just in time for Spring Training's sweet spot.
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Piniella 'giggly' over signing of Cuban defector Serrano
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Confused manager set to insert star of movie 'Major League' in right field
Word came from Cubs camp in Mesa Wednesday that GM Jim Hendry inked 21-year-old pitcher Juan Yasser Serrano, a Cuban defector, to a minor league deal. However, a case of mistaken identity had manager Lou Piniella "giggly" according to staffers.
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Selig forces all teams to hire a Steroid Era hitting coach
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sosa, Bonds and Palmeiro follow McGwire's lead
As the black cloud of the Steroid Era fades, Commissioner Bud Selig has sought to correct his indiscretions and blatant incompetence by forcing the fallen heroes from that era to earn redemption by taking hitting coach jobs.
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Steroid use up 50% among idiot Cardinals fans
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Study reveals McGwire confession only encouraged these idiots
A recent study has determined that steroid use among idiot Cardinals fans has skyrocketed 50 percent since Mark McGwire's announcement he used performance enhancers throughout his playing career.
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2010's first Cubby Occurence: Marlon Byrd eaten by huge Gila monster in Mesa
Monday, March 1, 2010
Huge lizard passes over Woo-Woo and Soto
"Cubby Occurrences" come with the territory for members of the Cubs. Still, nobody could have predicted the first one of 2010 when Marlon Byrd being eaten by a large Gila monster.
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Toyota Park recalled due to design flaw
Friday, Feb. 26, 2010
Defect causes rapid, uncontrolled acceleration of beer consumption
Toyota Park, home of the MLS's Chicago Fire, is being recalled due to a design defect that causes fans to experience rapid, uncontrolled acceleration of beer consumption.
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Piniella follows Guillen's lead, starts Tweeting
Feb. 25, 2010
Technologically challenged skipper accidentally throws players under the bus
Lou Piniella, curious about the popular social networking Web site Twitter following news that Ozzie Guillen would be tweeting, had a team intern create a personal account for him under the screen name "Sweet Lou 1943."
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Ozzie aims to connect with fans in 140 characters or less of broken English
Thursday, Feb. 25, 2010
Piniella maintains his distance
Any time White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen does anything it seems to be newsworthy in Chicago and throughout the sports world. So it should surprise no one that when he created a Twitter account earlier this week media from around the country made a huge deal about it.
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Radio Brief: Piniella's in-game naps to be less comfortable after agreeing to remove mattress from dugout
Tuesday, Feb. 23, 2010
The Cubs coach will be forced to sleep right on the dugout bench.
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Soriano promises Gold Glove after off-season of inactivity
Tuesday, Feb. 23, 2010
Piniella prepares to stick gimpy outfielder back at top of order
The Cubs' $136 million man Alfonso Soriano reported to camp in Mesa Monday claiming he is only 80 to 85 recovered from the arthroscopic knee surgery he had last September, which leaves fans wondering what the hell he's been doing for the past five months.
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Soto reports to Spring Training 40 pounds heavier than he was at Cubs Convention
Monday, Feb. 22, 2010
Catcher's fast food diet turns into yo-yo dieting
Just as hope sprang eternal once again, Geovany Soto found his old self with the help of some old friends.

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Tiger Woods announces switch to baseball
Friday, Feb. 19, 2010
Marital infidelity, sex addiction goes unmentioned at morning announcement
Tiger Woods shocked the sports world today by announcing that he has retired from the PGA and will attempt a new career in professional baseball.

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Wrigley Old Style vendors to allow line-jumpers with 20% surcharge
Friday, Feb. 19, 2010
'If it works for the big boys, why not us?'
Taking a cue from the Cubs ticket office’s recent decision to sell single-game tickets at a 20 percent mark-up ahead of the general start of ticket sales, Old Style vendors at Wrigley are discussing a similar strategy to maximize their profits.

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Radio Brief: La Russa, McGwire seen together on Valentine's Day date
Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2010
The Cardinals manager was spotted canoodling with his hitting coach at a local restaurant on Sunday.
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Ricketts to compete for gold in men's figure skating at Winter Games
Monday, Feb. 15, 2010
'I can do this. I know I can!' exclaims bedazzled Cubs owner
Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is aiming to do his country proud by winning gold in Figure Skating at this year's Winter Games.
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Woo-Woo in History: The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
Friday, Feb. 12, 2010
Wickers found a way to work himself into photos of the event more than 80 years ago
The best-known gangland incident in Chicago was the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre in Lincoln Park. Even though it happened more than 80 years ago, Cubs superfan and notorious publicity hound Ronnie “Woo-Woo” found his way into photos of the event.
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