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 Ricketts to compete for gold in men's figure skating at Winter GamesMonday, Feb. 15, 2010 'I can do this. I know I can!' exclaims bedazzled Cubs owner Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is aiming to do his country proud by winning gold in Figure Skating at this year's Winter Games. Read More  Feb. 10 Issue is out: First '10 Cubby Occurrence as Marlon Byrd eaten by huge Mesa Gila monsterFriday, Feb. 12, 2010 Among the headlines: Ricketts to compete for Gold in men's Winter Olympic figure skating; Steroid use up 50% among idiot Cardinals fans; and much, much more The Heckler's February issue has hit the streets to help ease your winter blues. We think it's our best ever, but we also thought signing Milton Bradley was a good move by Jim Hendry. Sometimes we're wrong. Read More Cubs team up with MasterCard to sell Virtual Waiting Room VIP pass Thursday, Feb. 11, 2010 20% premium also tacked on to early ticket purchases The Cubs announced a partnership with MasterCard Thursday that will allow fans an entry to the Virtual Waiting Room before next Friday's regular season ticket on-sale. Additional, fans actually able to make it through the "VWR" will pay a 20 percent premium on any tickets purchased. Read More  Six-year-old TV network to host its 22nd annual sports awards ThursdayWednesday, Feb. 10, 2010 Comcast continues history of not making sense Comcast SportsNet was founded in 2004, yet is hosting its 22nd Annual Comcast SportsNet Sports Awards dinner Thursday night at the Hilton Chicago. Some think it makes no sense that a six-year-old TV network could be hosting its 22nd annual award show, but Comcast SportsNet Chicago President Jim Corno doesn't care. Read More Bitter Cubs blogger interacts with woman Sunday, Feb. 7, 2010 Slightly exaggerates episode in 2,000-word blog post later that night By day, Andy Noland is an insurance claims adjuster. By night, he's a bitter Cubs blogger. Regardless of his starkly contrasting roles in life, Noland has few meaningful day-to-day interactions with women he's not related to. That all changed this weekend when Noland had a meaningful interaction with a previously unknown woman at a Chicagoland Walgreens. Read More  Reed Johnson prepares to become this year's Mark DeRosa by signing with DodgersMonday, Feb. 1, 2010 Fans sure to miss affable, hard-working, everyman personality and slightly above average skills if season goes south The loss of Mark DeRosa the previous offseason was seen as a big reason for the 2009 Cubs' failure. Now that a year has gone by, a new DeRosa needed to emerge, and that's just what's about to happen as Reed Johnson signed with LA. Read More Cubs sign player from family with no imagination Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2010 Nady becomes first sixth in team history The Cubs this week signed much-traveled two-time Tommy John surgery patient outfielder Xavier Nady to an incentive-laden one-year contract. While this signing would normally indicate just another moment when the Cubs aim low and strike dirt, it also marks the first signing of a sixth in team history. Read More  Lilly rehab ahead of schedule for 2011 returnMonday, Jan. 24, 2010 Lefty confident in his progress According to the Cubs training staff, Ted Lilly is ahead of schedule from off-season shoulder surgery and could return by early 2011. Read More Radio Brief: Fuld drunkenly predicts five straight World Series titles at Cubs Convention Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2010 Perception of the Cubs outfielder as an unpretentious, regular kind of guy not prone to crazy pronouncements makes fans believe his prediction. Read More  Jan. 10 Issue is out: Cubs Convention time!Friday, Jan. 15, 2010 Among the headlines: Cubs add ice rink to Hilton; Kitty O'Sheas unveils $24 'Convention fries'; and much more Great news: The Heckler's January issue has hit the streets just in time for the Cubs Convention. Once again, The Heckler will have a booth at the Hilton (No. 58 in the NW Hall.) We'll also be Tweeting like crazy, because that's what everyone else is doing. Read More Cubs hire Maddux, won't let him wear No. 31 Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 'Sorry Greg, we retired that last year' The Cubs hired Greg Maddux as a special assistant to GM Jim Hendry Monday, but it wasn't all peachy news as the team announced the future Hall of Fame pitcher won't be able to wear his familiar No. 31, which was retired in his honor last season. Read More McGwire wishes he never played in Steroid Era, totally would have dominated Deadball Era Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 'I'd have led the league in homers for like 20 straight years' Maligned slugger Mark McGwire finally admitted to long-standing abuse of performance enhancing drugs Monday, saying he wish he never played during the Steroid Era. Read More Monday was Cubs fan's first good day in 467 days Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 Feels opposite of humiliation and despair for first time since late 2008 An admission of guilt by Mark McGwire and the re-emergence of Greg Maddux Monday made one Cubs fan smile for first time since late 2008. Read More Selig announces 'Cash for Cheaters' rebate plan Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 Anyone who attended a game during '98 HR race gets full refund In the wake of Mark McGwire's revelation he used steroids for more than a decade, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced a refund program for fans swept up in the late-'90s home run craze in which McGwire was a central figure. Read More  McGwire admits to decade of steroid use; proves winners never cheatMonday, Jan. 11, 2010 'Telling my drop-dead gorgeous wife and kids in our mansion was the toughest' says disgraced slugger Mark McGwire officially ended the long-standing speculation about his use of performance enhancing drugs today when he confirmed he did in fact use steroids for a decade during his playing career, highlighted by the historic 1998 home run race with Sammy Sosa that captivated the nation. Read More Radio Brief: Carlos Silva arrested after food rage incident Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 The new Cubs pitcher goes crazy after getting denied Burger King breakfast because they had stopped serving it for the day. Read More  Ken Harrelson celebrates HOF election; too stupid to realize he's wrong 'Hawk'Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 'Mercy!' says Sox announcer before being told it was Dawson White Sox TV broadcaster and former player and GM Ken Harrelson today celebrated the election of "Hawk" to the Hall of Fame, failing to realize the Hawk being referenced was not him, but rather Andre Dawson. Read More  Dawson makes Hall, finally able to charge 'Ernie Banks money' for autographsWednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 Former Cubs OF was sick of only getting 'Jerome Walton money' Former Cubs OF Andre Dawson's long wait for a call from the Baseball Hall of Fame ended today as the eight-time All-Star received more than the 75 percent vote necessary for enshrinement. Dawson is secretly happy of the increased pay he'll receive at autograph shows just by putting "HOF '10" after his name. Read More  McDonough finally getting the hang of hockey lingoWednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 No longer calls puck 'that hard black disk thingie' John McDonough said he knew nothing about hockey when he left the Cubs to take over as president of the Blackhawks, but after two years at the helm, he's finally getting the hang of hockey lingo. Read More  Hendry outbids himself again for player no other team wantedFriday, Jan. 1, 2010 Cubs go Byrd hunting, sign former Rangers outfielder Cubs GM Jim Hendry signed his fifth free agent outfielder in as many seasons Thursday, inking former Rangers center fielder Marlon Byrd to a three-year, $15 million contract. Read More  Dec. 09 issue is out: NFL Today adds 10th host; Bears demoted to CFL; Hawks sign entire team for lifeTuesday, Dec. 22, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's December issue has hit the streets. In addition to our award-winning unbelievable Chicago sports coverage, this month The Heckler names its first-ever Sportsman of the Year. Here's a hint: His nickname should be "Pick Six." Read More Marquis signs with Nationals; career officially ends Monday, Dec. 21, 2009 'This franchise is a place where the careers of once-promising players go to die' Former Cubs starting pitcher and Lou Piniella whipping boy Jason Marquis today official signaled the end of his career by signing a two-year contract with the Washington Nationals. Read More  Psychiatrist worried Seattle weather may impact Bradley's Seasonal Affective DisorderMonday, Dec. 20, 2009 Advises anyone living within five miles of Safeco Field to 'move far far away' Cubs fans, players, GM Jim Hendry, and even Milton Bradley himself rejoiced Friday when the ill-tempered outfielder was traded to Seattle. The only person not celebrating was Bradley's longtime psychiatrist who feared the worst. Read More  Cubs trade really angry outfielder for really crappy pitcherFriday, Dec. 18, 2009 Bradley hopes eighth time is a charm in Seattle The Seattle Times is reporting today the Cubs have reached a deal with the Mariners that sends troubled outfielder Milton Bradley to Seattle in exchange for pitcher Carlos Silva. While Cubs fans will be quick to rejoice the departure of Bradley, Silva brings a new set of problems to Chicago: He's really bad at playing baseball. Read More  Cubs biggest news so far this winter involves a skating rinkThursday, Dec. 17, 2009 Second straight winter frozen body of water at Wrigley dominates Cubs news As the Cubs' slow off-season plods along, the biggest sports news on Chicago's North Side this winter has been the installation of a temporary skating rink in Wrigley Field's parking lot. Read More While the rich get richer, Cubs eye fat reliever with 5.80 ERA Tuesday, December 15, 2009 Hendry treads water as Phillies trade for Halladay, Red Sox sign Lackey A slow off-season in MLB heated up on Monday, when the rich got richer, as the Phillies and Red Sox added stud pitchers to their staffs. The Cubs did nothing. Read More  Orange Len Kasper caught leaving tanning salonFriday, Dec. 11, 2009 Lily white play-by-play man looking for more 'TV-friendly appearance' Always looking to hone his craft, Cubs broadcaster Len Kasper spent the majority of October pouring over last season's game tape, targeting areas of improvement for 2010. Read More  Hendry leaves Winter Meetings with successful sledding outing as biggest accomplishmentThursday, Dec. 10, 2009 'Do you know how tough it is to find a hill in Indy?' says Cubs GM After an extremely disappointing 2009, Cubs fans are desperate for good news this off-season. Cubs GM Jim Hendry failed to deliver a Milton Bradley trade or key free agent signing at the 2009 Winter Meetings in Indianapolis, which end today. He did, however, have a blast. Read More Cubs spurn Mesa and Naples, announce Spring Training move to Schaumburg Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2009 Team inks marketing deal with North Face Despite rumors the Cubs were planning to make Naples, Fla., their future Spring Training site, the team shocked fans this week by announcing they will instead shift their facilities to the Chicago suburb of Schaumburg. Read More Radio Brief: Cubs spurn Mesa and Naples, announce Spring Training move to Schaumburg Tuesday, Dec. 8, 2009 The Cubs figure out a way to maximize their profits from moving their Spring Training facilities. Read More  Hendry to overpay for free agents by only 30% this year due to lagging economyMonday, Dec. 7, 2009 Plans to focus on veterans out of the league 5 years Americans are struggling in these difficult economic times, but perhaps nobody is hurting more than Cubs GM Jim Hendry, who has been instructed by new team owner Tom Ricketts to only overpay free agents by 30 percent this off-season, a drastic cut from recent seasons. Read More Aaron Miles traded to Oakland for something other than Aaron Miles Friday, Dec. 4, 2009 Underperforming infielder's time in Chicago comes to unceremonious end Aaron Miles' arrival in Chicago was greeted with a collective shrug last year. Thursday, his departure earned a collective "Good riddance!" as the infielder was dealt to Oakland along with Jake Fox. Read More Radio Brief: Hendry spending offseason office hours sleeping, eating nachos Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2009 For the first ever, the Cubs GM is reprimanded by the team's owner for loafing through the offseason. Read More  Ricketts orders Thanksgiving turkey, Milton Bradley deliveredTuesday, Nov. 24, 2009 Mishap results after confusion with staffer Tom Ricketts has much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, celebrating the holiday for the first time as owner of the Cubs. However, communications with his staff took a wrong turn in preparation for the Ricketts' big holiday feast. Read More  Top 10 other things the Cubs have done at Budweiser's commandMonday, Nov. 23, 2009 Major sponsor upset to lose rooftop ad space to local casino This weekend the Cubs placed signage in the back of Wrigley's left field bleachers to block fans' view of the former "Budweiser rooftop" to placate the beer marketer. Here are ten other things the Cubs have done because Budweiser wanted them to. Read More  Cubs sign Kenny PowersWednesday, Nov. 19, 2009 Hendry convinced HBO character will bolster bullpen In a surprise move, the Cubs made their first off-season acquisition by signing aging right-handed flamethrower Kenny Powers of the HBO series "Eastbound and Down" to an eight-year, $55 million deal. Read More  Nov. 09 issue is out: Cubs sign Kenny Powers; Bears lineman struggle, and much moreMonday, Nov. 16, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's November issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More Hendry deals Bradley for CTA fare cards Thursday, Nov. 12, 2009 Cubs left fielder will now serve as customer service attendant at Addison Red Line stop With the MLB General Managers meetings taking place at the luxurious O'Hare Hilton, everyone knew that trading clubhouse cancer Milton Bradley was Cubs GM Jim Hendry's first priority. No one knew, though, how low he would go until today, when he reportedly swapped the right fielder for a case of CTA fare cards. Read More  Reinsdorf doesn't understand how Ricketts can love the team he now ownsWednesday, Nov. 4, 2009 Bulls, Sox owner claims to hate his teams and their fans Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is a longtime fan of his new ballclub, a fact that doesn't sit well with crosstown front office man Jerry Reinsdorf. Read More Radio Brief: Reinsdorf doesn't understand how Ricketts can love the team he owns Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2009 The White Sox owner feels animosity towards team and its fans is the right way to go. Read More  Report: Ricketts firing Cubs staffers Ari Gold-styleFriday, Oct. 30, 2009 New owner turns out to be a big fan of 'Entourage' Longtime Cubs staffers today learned the hard way that new owner Tom Ricketts is a big fan of the HBO show "Entourage," specifically the Ari Gold character played by Jeremy Piven who this season let staffers at a newly acquired company know they were fired by blasting them with a paintball gun. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: Halloween 2008Friday, Oct. 30, 2009 Count Woo-Woo wasn't exactly spooktacular Even when dressed up for Halloween, Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers can't shake his Cubs' superfan persona. Here he is as Count Woo-Woo at Harry Caray's Halloween bash last year. Read More Ricketts badly injured in freak accident in first day as Cubs owner Wednesday, October 28, 2009 New owner now holed up in bunker 300 feet below Earth's surface Longtime North Side fans won't be surprised to learn that another "Cubbie occurrence" struck their favorite team earlier this week when Tom Ricketts took a terrible spill walking to work on the first day as the new Cubs' owner. Ricketts was badly hurt and is now recuperating in his family's newly constructed war room 300 feet below the Earth's surface. Read More Under McGwire, Cardinals hitters to abandon doubles and triples Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 'Mark is going to teach our guys to focus on either end of the hitting spectrum: homers or singles' While much has been made of the steroid-injecting past of new hitting coach Mark McGwire, inside sources suggest that the team has a deeper strategy up its sleeve. Read More Cards hire McGwire as hitting coach/steroid injector Tuesday, Oct. 27, 2009 La Russa makes reactionary move after three-game playoff sweep When the Cubs got swept out of the playoffs by the Dodgers in 2008, GM Jim Hendry made a reactionary off-season move by signing malcontent Milton Bradley to a lucrative contract, and saw the decision blow up in his face. The Cardinals -- who this year were swept in the first round by the Dodgers -- made a similar reflex move Monday, hiring deposed former slugger Mark McGwire as their new hitting coach/resident steroid injector. Read More  Local teen reclaims stolen possessions from 'Monsters in the Morning' setTuesday, Oct. 27, 2009 North claims to have bought everything off eBay for less than $100 Jimmy Kain of Lombard was relieved to learn that the contents of his bedroom--stolen two weeks ago in a home burglary--had been located safe and sound on the set of Comcast SportsNet's "Monsters in the Morning" TV show hosted by Mike North. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: Amazin' Mets of 1969Friday, Oct. 23, 2009 Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers often tells people he's been a Cubs superfan since birth, but he switched sides if only for a bit when the upstart Mets took the world by storm in 1969. Read More ESPN demotes Steve Phillips to minors Thursday, Oct. 22, 2009 'Steve has completely lost his eye for talent' Phillips, who previously was general manager for the Mets, admitted having an affair with 22-year-old Brooke Hundley, a woman described by the New York Post as "the tubby temptress." Read More  Cubs sign Jaramillo as hitting coach/right fielderWednesday, Oct. 21, 2009 Hendry considers bringing back Bradley The Cubs signed hitting guru Rudy Jaramillo to a three-year deal today as hitting coach and right fielder, filling two desperate needs from its dismal 2009 season. Read More  Kevin Gregg gets off-season job at Olive GardenTuesday, Oct. 20, 2009 'I'm really good at serving meatballs' says Cubs reliever Cubs reliever Kevin Gregg will be busy working this winter. But instead of concentrating on pitching, he will be dishing out endless amounts of pasta, salad and breadsticks at a local Olive Garden. Read More  Oct 09 issue is out: New Soldier Field Carpet; Gregg's tasty new gig; Impact of Urlacher's injury on the population; and much moreFriday, Oct. 16, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's October issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More  Cubs blame last century's bad luck on 'Curse of Vine Line'Monday, Sept. 28, 2009 'Can't just be bad judgement by our front office' With softball headlines like "Lilly is not a flower" and "'D-Lee'ader," the official Cubs magazine Vine Line hardly seems like a harbinger of doom, but that's just what it's been for each and every team member it has ever featured. Read More Screamin' Johnny Blaze suggests some new careers for Milton Bradley where his persecution complex and general craziness might be assets Friday, Sep. 25, 2009 If another rocky year and his recent suspension means Bradley's run out of second chances in baseball, The Heckler's sports talk guy has a couple ideas of new professions where he can utilize his true skills. Read More  Hendry mad he missed free resume day at Kinko'sWednesday, Sept. 23, 2009 Never thought he'd use deal back in March Cubs GM Jim Hendry is under fire and may be out of a job at the end of the year. His résumé may some fine-tuning in anticipation of a job search, but unfortunately Hendry missed a golden opportunity to save some serious cash through a free résumé promotion at Kinko's months ago. Read More  Baby-faced Cubs rookie Tyler Colvin carded at all-ages show in MilwaukeeWednesday, Sept. 23, 2009 Reader submission by Bill Savage After the Cubs 7-2 win over the Brewers Tuesday night, fresh-faced Cubs rookie outfielder Tyler Colvin thought he would take in some of the Cheddar State's famed nightlife. He went to a downtown Milwaukee venue where he was carded at an all-ages show. Instead of seeing alt-polka sensations The Northern Curdlers, Colvin was forced to produce evidence that he's actually 17 or older. Read More Radio Brief: With Cubs out of contention, local fan spending more time annoying his wife Tuesday, Sep. 22, 2009 A Cubs fan has a lot more free time now that he's stopped watching baseball, and his wife has realized she's not too happy about it. Read More  Newly suspended Bradley releases R&B albumMonday, Sept. 21, 2009 Features single 'Booed At Home' Milton Bradley was suspended for the rest of the season Sunday after criticizing his team in the media, but he may get the last laugh. The Cubs' introspective right fielder has used the hardship of this season as his muse and created a heartfelt R&B album to be released next month. Read More  Watch Now: The Heckler's Sept. 2009 Unbelievable Video UpdateFriday, Sept. 18, 2009 Everything you'd have read in the Sept. issue if you weren't so damn lazy A look in video at the latest happenings in sports, including news on Jim Hendry and Carlos Zambrano, John Madden's retirement plans being ruined by Brett Favre, and the Bears being a little too eager to honor Jay Cutler. Read More  DeRosa brings 2016 Olympics to St. LouisThursday, Sept. 17, 2009 Further confirms Cubs really screwed up by letting him go In what is considered the greatest upset in Olympic bid history, Cardinals utility man and former Cub Mark DeRosa helped St. Louis beat out Chicago and several international cities for the right to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, further confirming the Cubs and GM Jim Hendry made a major gaffe by trading DeRosa away this offseason. Read More  Zambrano signs deal with Abflex as 'before' modelWednesday, Sept. 16, 2009 Marketer turns down pitcher's offer to also pose as 'after' model Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano added another contract to his lucrative bounty when he inked a deal with Abflex to be the company's "before" picture model. According to contract specifics, there is no need for Zambrano to continue working for Abflex after the photos and videos are taken of him posing shirtless, holding a huge sub sandwich. Read More Radio Brief: WGN cuts rest of baseball season from schedule in favor of more compelling live feed from Cutler Cam Tuesday, Sep. 15, 2009 Acknowledging fans' disinterest in watching more bad baseball, Chicago's two main MLB broadcasters are changing around their program schedules. Read More Next Year already here as 2010 Cubs schedule announced Tuesday, Sept. 15, 2009 Reader submission by Bill Savage Major League Baseball today officially declared an end to the 2009 season today by releasing the Cubs 2010 schedule. Interleague play features visits from the Oakland A's, California Angels, and of course the White Sox. The Cubs will go on the road to Seattle, where Ichiro Suzuki is expected to get 8 or 10 hits in the three-game late-June series. Read More  Sept 09 issue is out: Hendry's job hunt, Big Z's really big gig, Favre's un-retirement and much moreFriday, Sept. 11, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's September issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More Radio Brief: Piniella claimed on waivers by Cardinals minor league team Tuesday, Sep. 1, 2009 The Cardinals think their rival's manager is definitely good enough to lead their double-A team. Read More  Left field prayer section added at Wrigley to support Soriano's fielding attemptsMonday, Aug. 31, 2009 Priest: 'That poor man needs God's help every time he has a ball hit to him' Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano has had his fair share of defensive struggles this season, and in order to hopefully combat his miscues, a prayer group has been formed in left field to garner support from the Almighty. Father Michael Francis Laresco, a regular participant in the new group, commented on the practice. Read More Cubs beat bunch of no-names in Mets uniforms Friday, Aug. 28, 2009 NY skipper almost pulls no-name pitcher for no-name outfielder Before the season started, this weekend's Cubs-Mets series at Wrigley Field promised to feature a pair of National League contenders. Instead, neither team has lived up to the hype. The Mets have been particularly disappointing, with nearly every key player currently on the DL. Fortunately for Cubs fans, their team beat a bunch of guys no one has ever heard of who happened to be wearing Mets uniforms. Read More  Milton Bradley arrested after interstate killing spreeFriday, Aug. 28, 2009 Cubs outfielder claims at least 20 victims The disappointing season of Milton Bradley took a turn for the worse late Thursday night when police say the Cubs outfielder went on a multi-state killing spree, leaving a trail of carnage in his wake. Read More Screamin' Johnny Blaze gets his voice back just in time to yell about how bad the Cubs and Sox suck Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009 Screamin' Johnny Blaze voices his displeasure, loudly, for the way this baseball season is going. Read More  Sam Fuld gets Tru-Link Fence sponsorship after face plant in LATuesday, Aug 25, 2009 Reader submission by Bill Savage Tru-Link Fences, a company which long used Cubs sluggers as celebrity spokesmen, signed Cubs rookie Sam Fuld to an endorsement contract due to his stellar defensive play, including taking a face plant into a chain link fence Saturday at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles to rob Brad Ausmus of extra bases. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: The 1968 Democratic National Convention in ChicagoTuesday, Aug. 25, 2009 'Hell no WOO! We won't go WOO!' The eyes of the world were on Chicago during 1968's Democratic National Convention, held 41 years ago Wednesday. Protests turned ugly and, sure enough, Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers was in the thick of it, anxious to pose for yet another timeless photo. Read More Cubs notch first extra-base hit in a month during lone win over Dodgers Monday, Aug. 24, 2009 Ticker-tape parade honoring Theriot double to be held on Michigan Ave. After it was over and the moment had finally begun to sink in, all lifelong Cubs fan Joshua Barksdale could do was wipe away tears of joy. Read More Radio Brief: Brenly unjustly criticizes man who plans to give foul ball to a kid, only later Monday, Aug. 24, 2009 A fan who keeps a foul ball draws the ire of the Cubs broadcaster, who is unaware the man is going to give it to his nephew. Read More Body parts from Cubs rotation pieced together to form one healthy pitcher Thursday, Aug. 20, 2009 Building of 'Rylos Lilwells' called smarter than Sox Peavy trade After Ted Lilly, the Cubs lone All-Star, spent nearly a month on the disabled list with inflammation in his left shoulder recently, GM Jim Hendry decided to take advice from his uncle, car mechanic John Hendry, who suggested the general manager simply piece together a single healthy pitcher from a hodgepodge of healthy limbs from the rest of the staff. Read More Gregg demoted to minor league batting practice pitcher Tuesday, Aug. 18, 2009 Overtakes Mel Rojas as most hated closer in Cubs history From Mel Rojas to Dave Smith to Antonio Alfonseca, the Cubs have had a long line of awful closers over the past 25 years. Kevin Gregg officially overtook them all as Most Hated Cubs Closer in History (MHCCH) Monday night when he blew another save in walk-off fashion, this time to the lowly Padres, as he served up a three-run bomb to some guy named Kyle Blanks, who is unknown in 49 states. Gregg was immediately demoted by manager Lou Piniella to batting practice pitcher for the Single-A Boise Hawks of the Northwest League. Read More Radio Brief: Shots of blondes on WGN fan cam decreases due to cameraman's jealous girlfriend Monday, Aug. 17, 2009 Girlfriend forces cameraman to focus more on brunettes. Read More  Zambrano, Bradley pictured on boxes of Froot LoopsMonday, Aug. 17, 2009 Crazy Cubs duo match Toucan Sam's crazy antics Carlos Zambrano and Milton Bradley recently joined an exclusive club of Chicago sports icons, including Michael Jordan and Greg Maddux, by appearing on the box of a popular breakfast cereal. Unlike their predecessors -- who can be found on Wheaties boxes -- the Cubs duo will instead appear on a limited production of Kellogg's Froot Loops. Read More Fan with iPhone can't recall one play from game he attended Monday, Aug. 17, 2009 Too busy texting and uploading photos to Twitter and Facebook Steve Weinstein of Lakeview made it to his ninth Cubs game of the season Saturday. Unfortunately, he doesn't remember any plays from the Cubs 3-1 win over Pittsburgh because he spent most of the afternoon on his iPhone. Read More  Desperate to cut salary, Pirates sell Roberto Clemente statue to NatsFriday, Aug. 14, 2009 Pittsburgh GM goes too far at this year's annual fire sale As last month's trade deadline approached, the Pirates held their annual fire sale of everyone on the team with any value whatsoever. This year, however, Pittsburgh GM Neil Huntington might have gone just a little too far. Read More  Idiot fan who spilled beer on Victorino: 'He had it coming'Thursday, Aug. 13, 2009 Good game, championship last year reason enough to hate puny center fielder While the Cubs were being steam-rolled by the defending champion Phillies at Wrigley Field Wednesday night, one fan decided to take things into his own hands and tossed a beer at Philly OF Shane Victorino as he hauled in a deep fly ball in the fifth inning. While Victorino, fans of the game and nerdy sports bloggers were upset by the incident, the guilty fan insisted the Phillies center fielder "had it coming." Read More  Aug 09 issue: Soto stuck in MRI machine; Fan with iPhone misses game; Cutler shows up in beer helmet; and much moreTuesday, Aug. 11, 2009 Cubs, Sox and Bears news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's August issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More  New Cubs pitcher no one ever heard of before sets wholly unrealistic expectations in first startWednesday, Aug. 5, 2009 Fans getting hopes up for prematurely after Gorzelanny's dominant play in Cincinnati Fresh off his trade from Pittsburgh, new Cubs pitcher Tom Gorzelanny exceeded all expectations, throwing a gem as the Cubs beat the Reds 6-3 and maintained their first-place tie with the Cardinals. Read More Radio Brief: Brenly to stop making fun of Santo's toupee after deciding it's time to get one for himself Monday, Aug. 3, 2009 The Cubs TV analyst has asked Ron Santo for hairpiece advice. Read More  Gregg thinks he still plays for Marlins, hands series win to FloridaMonday, Aug. 3, 2009 Cubs closer gives up a pair of solo 9th-inning HRs to drop rubber match Cubs closer Kevin Gregg forgot this weekend he no longer plays for the Marlins, blowing a pair of saves against Florida while thinking he was throwing batting practice to his former teammates. Read More Radio Brief: Cubs organist to play "Benny Hill" theme song during every ball hit to Soriano Thursday, Jul. 30, 2009 Soriano's madcap misadventures in the outfield have inspired organist Gary Pressy. Read More  Cubs fan rethinks watching 4-hour 'Bachelorette' finale with girlfriend instead of gameMonday, July 27, 2009 Two hours of post-show analysis prohibits witnessing Soriano's walk-off grand slam Charlie Wainright figured he was just being a good boyfriend when he agreed to skip Monday night's Cubs game in favor of watching the season finale of "The Bachelorette" with his live-in girlfriend Sandy Smith. Had he known Alfonso Soriano was going to win the game with a 13th-inning grand slam, he would have made a different decision. Read More Radio Brief: Anticipating a hot streak to rival his current slump, Cubs extend Soriano for 8 more years Thursday, Jul. 23, 2009 Jim Hendry figures Soriano's streakiness will pay off with a nice, long hot run. Read More  Old Style names Derrek Lee World's Least Interesting ManTuesday, July 21, 2009 Ad campaign takes on popular Dos Equis spokesperson In an attempt to cash in on the popularity of Dos Equis ads featuring "The Most Interesting Man in the World," Old Style has launched an ad campaign depicting Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee as "The World's Least Interesting Man." Read More Radio Brief: All Star Game ratings beaten by just about everything Wednesday, Jul. 15, 2009 Showcase for baseball's stars is again beaten by America's Funniest Home Videos among others. Read More Marshall named Cubs No. 1 left fielder for second half of season Monday, July 13, 2009 Piniella: 'He didn't look half as lost out there as Soriano' The Cubs have named pitcher Sean Marshall their new left fielder after he played one-third of an inning there Sunday night. Read More  Obama only Chicagoan invited to All-Star GameMonday, July 13, 2009 Nobody else in city is worth sending The first half of this season has been so bad for both the Cubs and White Sox that MLB has rescinded its policy that every team be represented in the All-Star Game. Instead, President Barack Obama will be Chicago's lone representative at the Midsummer Classic in St. Louis when he throws out the ceremonial first pitch. Read More Albert Pujols named Most Valuable Player Probably Not On Drugs Friday, July 10, 2009 'Let's all hope I never get caught' says Cards slugger after receiving MVPPNOD In order to honor the accomplishments of Major League Baseball's last superstar not yet caught in a performance-enhancing drugs scandal, Commissioner Bud Selig has created a new award. Just before the 2009 All-Star Game, Selig will present Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals with baseball's Most Valuable Player Probably Not on Drugs trophy. Read More  Busch Stadium finally gets indoor plumbingFriday, July 10, 2009 MLB mandates improvements prior to All-Star Game When Busch Stadium opened in 2006, it was hailed as a state-of-the-art ballpark with modern amenities. "Except bathrooms," said Cardinals owner William DeWitt. Read More  July 09 issue is out: Busch Stadium gets indoor plumbing; Ozzie adopts Wrigley rat; and much moreThursday, July 09, 2009 Plenty of Cardinals, All-Star Game and Cubs news this month Great news: The Heckler's July issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More Gregg earns reverse save as Cubs lose to Braves Wednesday, July 8, 2009 Stat to be honored by MLB if '09 Cubs have anything to say about it The Cubs were hanging tight to a one-run deficit against the Braves Wednesday afternoon when Kevin Gregg promptly surrendered two runs in the top of ninth to lock down what statisticians are now calling a "reverse save." Chicago wound up losing 4-1. Read More Wealthy man moves closer to buying most futile franchise in sports for nearly $1 billion Tuesday, July 7, 2009 Ricketts also collects Edsels, still displays Enron stock News broke Monday that the pending Chicago Cubs sale has finally closed and should become official by next month, Observers wondered what would prompt the new owner to spend nearly $1 billion on a team with the longest championship drought in professional American sports. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: July 4, 1776Saturday, July 4, 2009 We WOO! hold WOO! these WOO! truths ... The original Fourth of July meant many things to many people, but perhaps no one was more excited than Cubs superfan Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers who used the opportunity to share the spotlight with our nation's Founding Fathers. He even signed an early version of the document Read More Cards acquire DeRosa, immediately clinch NL Central Monday, June 29, 2009 After trade, divisional foes fold up shop and give St. Louis title The Cardinals trumped the Cubs and the rest of the N.L. Central Division this weekend by acquiring future Hall-of-Famer Mark DeRosa from Cleveland. Upon hearing the news, every team in the division except the Pirates folded and anointed St. Louis as N.L. Central champs. Read More The Heckler celebrates 1,000 Facebook friends Tuesday, June 30, 2009 For some reason, we signed up for an account and now people like it A while back, we at The Heckler started a Facebook account and Monday it gained its 1,000th fan. To celebrate this momentous occasion, we're offering current Facebook fans a deal they can't refuse: a chance to save 1,000 pennies on your next order from TheHeckler.com. That's $10 for all you non-math majors out there. Read More  Cubs get Bradley's mouth zippered shutSaturday, June 27, 2009 "Problem solved," is how Cubs skipper Lou Piniella described the outcome of Milton Bradley's latest turn under the knife. According to Piniella, Bradley found himself the recipient of a mouth zipper that Cubs management hopes will turn things around for him this year. Read More Soto reportedly stoned for entire WBC Thursday, June 26, 2009 Blames late-night munchies for noticeable off-season weight gain ESPN has reported that portly Cubs catcher Geovany Soto tested positive for marijuana at the World Baseball Classic according to the International Baseball Federation. When pressed about the issue on Thursday, Soto came clean. Read More |
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