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 Newbie Hawks fan can't wait to cheer for Toews on U.S. Olympic teamTuesday, Feb. 16, 2010 Would hate to see Toews and Kane compete against each other Wrigleyville resident John Wellmeyer has only been a Hawks fan for three months, but he's already extremely excited about watching Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook compete alongside Patrick Kane and Marian Hossa on the U.S. Hockey Team. Read More  Ricketts to compete for gold in men's figure skating at Winter GamesMonday, Feb. 15, 2010 'I can do this. I know I can!' exclaims bedazzled Cubs owner Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is aiming to do his country proud by winning gold in Figure Skating at this year's Winter Games. Read More  Feb. 10 Issue is out: First '10 Cubby Occurrence as Marlon Byrd eaten by huge Mesa Gila monsterFriday, Feb. 12, 2010 Among the headlines: Ricketts to compete for Gold in men's Winter Olympic figure skating; Steroid use up 50% among idiot Cardinals fans; and much, much more The Heckler's February issue has hit the streets to help ease your winter blues. We think it's our best ever, but we also thought signing Milton Bradley was a good move by Jim Hendry. Sometimes we're wrong. Read More Cubs team up with MasterCard to sell Virtual Waiting Room VIP pass Thursday, Feb. 11, 2010 20% premium also tacked on to early ticket purchases The Cubs announced a partnership with MasterCard Thursday that will allow fans an entry to the Virtual Waiting Room before next Friday's regular season ticket on-sale. Additional, fans actually able to make it through the "VWR" will pay a 20 percent premium on any tickets purchased. Read More  Six-year-old TV network to host its 22nd annual sports awards ThursdayWednesday, Feb. 10, 2010 Comcast continues history of not making sense Comcast SportsNet was founded in 2004, yet is hosting its 22nd Annual Comcast SportsNet Sports Awards dinner Thursday night at the Hilton Chicago. Some think it makes no sense that a six-year-old TV network could be hosting its 22nd annual award show, but Comcast SportsNet Chicago President Jim Corno doesn't care. Read More Radio Brief: Martz's pass happy offense already getting Cutler sacked Tuesday, Feb. 9, 2010 Still seven months before the 2010 NFL season begins, but the sacks are already starting. Read More Bitter Cubs blogger interacts with woman Sunday, Feb. 7, 2010 Slightly exaggerates episode in 2,000-word blog post later that night By day, Andy Noland is an insurance claims adjuster. By night, he's a bitter Cubs blogger. Regardless of his starkly contrasting roles in life, Noland has few meaningful day-to-day interactions with women he's not related to. That all changed this weekend when Noland had a meaningful interaction with a previously unknown woman at a Chicagoland Walgreens. Read More  Heckler Comic: Brees will keep Indy guessingSaturday, Feb. 6, 2010 Manning won't know what to make of it Super Bowl XLIV prediction Read More  Lovie hires random Facebook friend to serve as assistant coachFriday, Feb. 5, 2010 Also adopts six kids so he can give them all jobs Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been known to play favorites, but even his most ardent supporters -- most of whom already work for him -- have scoffed at his latest personnel moves. According to a report released this afternoon, Smith has hired Facebook friend and former high school classmate Bobby Merdell to serve as assistant head coach in charge of the two-point offense. Read More Overzealous NFL legally prevents man from telling friends he's going to watch [REDACTED] Sunday night Friday, Feb. 5, 2010 Hands him huge cease-and-desist letter The NFL is notorious for vigorously protecting each of its many trademarks, none more so than the [REDACTED]. The league goes out of its way to prevent any unsanctioned or unpaid use of the term, but critics feel this year it has gone too far when the league prevented a Chicago man from using the name of the game while discussing his Sunday evening plans with his friends. Read More  Outrage grows over future 4th-round draft pick starring in Super Bowl adMonday, Feb. 1, 2010 'Why does Tebow get an ad and I don't?' asks Clausen Controversy over former Florida Gators QB Tim Tebow's appearance in a high-profile Super Bowl TV ad continues to grow, as Sunday's big game approaches. Critics feel that Tebow -- a projected fourth-round pick in this April's NFL Draft -- is unworthy of the fame brought about by starring in an ad running during the most-watched TV event of the year. Read More Radio Brief: Potential candidates keep bowing out as Lovie's search for a landscaping company continues Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2010 While he may have finally found a coordinator willing to work for him, the Bears coach is still getting turned down by potential lawn care companies for his home. Read More  Reed Johnson prepares to become this year's Mark DeRosa by signing with DodgersMonday, Feb. 1, 2010 Fans sure to miss affable, hard-working, everyman personality and slightly above average skills if season goes south The loss of Mark DeRosa the previous offseason was seen as a big reason for the 2009 Cubs' failure. Now that a year has gone by, a new DeRosa needed to emerge, and that's just what's about to happen as Reed Johnson signed with LA. Read More Cubs sign player from family with no imagination Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2010 Nady becomes first sixth in team history The Cubs this week signed much-traveled two-time Tommy John surgery patient outfielder Xavier Nady to an incentive-laden one-year contract. While this signing would normally indicate just another moment when the Cubs aim low and strike dirt, it also marks the first signing of a sixth in team history. Read More Radio Brief: Forte surgery just one of many for Bears, including Angelo's dumbass-ectomy Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2010 The Bears admit to a rash of procedures undergone by players, coaches and front office staff. Read More Best SoxFest panel: 'Winning with 4 Mediocre OFs' Sunday, Jan. 24, 2010 Williams joined by other experts in the field White Sox GM Kenny Williams lead the most popular SoxFest panel discussion this weekend, called "Winning with 4 Mediocre Outfielders." Read More  Lilly rehab ahead of schedule for 2011 returnMonday, Jan. 24, 2010 Lefty confident in his progress According to the Cubs training staff, Ted Lilly is ahead of schedule from off-season shoulder surgery and could return by early 2011. Read More Radio Brief: Fuld drunkenly predicts five straight World Series titles at Cubs Convention Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2010 Perception of the Cubs outfielder as an unpretentious, regular kind of guy not prone to crazy pronouncements makes fans believe his prediction. Read More  Jan. 10 Issue is out: Cubs Convention time!Friday, Jan. 15, 2010 Among the headlines: Cubs add ice rink to Hilton; Kitty O'Sheas unveils $24 'Convention fries'; and much more Great news: The Heckler's January issue has hit the streets just in time for the Cubs Convention. Once again, The Heckler will have a booth at the Hilton (No. 58 in the NW Hall.) We'll also be Tweeting like crazy, because that's what everyone else is doing. Read More Radio Brief: Bears brass misuse words qualified, results, and many, many others at recent press conference Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 Officials from Webster's are needed to clear up mass confusion. Read More Cubs hire Maddux, won't let him wear No. 31 Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 'Sorry Greg, we retired that last year' The Cubs hired Greg Maddux as a special assistant to GM Jim Hendry Monday, but it wasn't all peachy news as the team announced the future Hall of Fame pitcher won't be able to wear his familiar No. 31, which was retired in his honor last season. Read More McGwire wishes he never played in Steroid Era, totally would have dominated Deadball Era Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 'I'd have led the league in homers for like 20 straight years' Maligned slugger Mark McGwire finally admitted to long-standing abuse of performance enhancing drugs Monday, saying he wish he never played during the Steroid Era. Read More Monday was Cubs fan's first good day in 467 days Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 Feels opposite of humiliation and despair for first time since late 2008 An admission of guilt by Mark McGwire and the re-emergence of Greg Maddux Monday made one Cubs fan smile for first time since late 2008. Read More Selig announces 'Cash for Cheaters' rebate plan Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2010 Anyone who attended a game during '98 HR race gets full refund In the wake of Mark McGwire's revelation he used steroids for more than a decade, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced a refund program for fans swept up in the late-'90s home run craze in which McGwire was a central figure. Read More  McGwire admits to decade of steroid use; proves winners never cheatMonday, Jan. 11, 2010 'Telling my drop-dead gorgeous wife and kids in our mansion was the toughest' says disgraced slugger Mark McGwire officially ended the long-standing speculation about his use of performance enhancing drugs today when he confirmed he did in fact use steroids for a decade during his playing career, highlighted by the historic 1998 home run race with Sammy Sosa that captivated the nation. Read More  Baseball Preview: White Sox picked to have best defensive team of late '90sMonday, Jan. 11, 2010 Vizquel, Jones to shore up defense a dozen years ago Kenny Williams has always been known to make due with strict financial restrictions during the off-season. To shore up the shaky Sox defense this winter, Williams signed Omar Vizquel and Andruw Jones, multi-Gold Glove winners who are well past their prime. Read More  CBS adds 10th host to NFL TodayThursday, Jan. 8, 2010 Move aims to ready network for playoffs In a bold move designed to "stack the opinion deck just in time for the playoffs," CBS has hired a 10th host for the network's venerable NFL Today broadcast. Read More Radio Brief: Carlos Silva arrested after food rage incident Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 The new Cubs pitcher goes crazy after getting denied Burger King breakfast because they had stopped serving it for the day. Read More  Ken Harrelson celebrates HOF election; too stupid to realize he's wrong 'Hawk'Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 'Mercy!' says Sox announcer before being told it was Dawson White Sox TV broadcaster and former player and GM Ken Harrelson today celebrated the election of "Hawk" to the Hall of Fame, failing to realize the Hawk being referenced was not him, but rather Andre Dawson. Read More  Dawson makes Hall, finally able to charge 'Ernie Banks money' for autographsWednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 Former Cubs OF was sick of only getting 'Jerome Walton money' Former Cubs OF Andre Dawson's long wait for a call from the Baseball Hall of Fame ended today as the eight-time All-Star received more than the 75 percent vote necessary for enshrinement. Dawson is secretly happy of the increased pay he'll receive at autograph shows just by putting "HOF '10" after his name. Read More After firing Turner, Bears will look to modernize offense Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 Hoping to catch up to 1989; might go to Run and Shoot Now that Ron Turner has been fired, the team is looking to make some major changes in order to be competitive in today's NFL. Consequently, Lovie Smith has explored other offensive schemes, with the Run and Shoot being the current favorite. Read More Bears 'probably won't' re-hire Ron Turner again someday Tuesday, Jan. 5, 2010 Front office surprised bad college coach turned out to be bad offensive coordinator Ron Turner's second stint as Bears offensive coordinator mercifully ended Tuesday, after high hopes for a dynamic offense fell flat in 2009. Bears president Ted Phillips promised fans "'probably won't" ever re-hire Turner in the future like the team did once already. Read More  McDonough finally getting the hang of hockey lingoWednesday, Jan. 6, 2010 No longer calls puck 'that hard black disk thingie' John McDonough said he knew nothing about hockey when he left the Cubs to take over as president of the Blackhawks, but after two years at the helm, he's finally getting the hang of hockey lingo. Read More  Hendry outbids himself again for player no other team wantedFriday, Jan. 1, 2010 Cubs go Byrd hunting, sign former Rangers outfielder Cubs GM Jim Hendry signed his fifth free agent outfielder in as many seasons Thursday, inking former Rangers center fielder Marlon Byrd to a three-year, $15 million contract. Read More Radio Brief: Bulls considering Lovie to replace equally inept Del Negro Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2009 Looking once again for incompetence in their coaching search, the Bulls might hire Lovie Smith if he becomes available. Read More  The Heckler's 2009 Sportsman of the Year: Jay CutlerMonday, Dec. 28, 2009 'Pick Six' leads the way As 2009 mercifully comes to an end, we reflect back on the highs and mostly lows of the year in Chicago sports. Read More Radio Brief: Lovie to spend Christmas with only sportswriter who thinks he shouldn't be fired Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009 The Tribune's Dan Pompei claims his invite to the Smith household for the holidays is unrelated to his constant defense of the Bears head coach. Read More Kane, Keith, Toews mistaken for orphans in wacky caroling mishap Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009 3 police injured after attempting to arrest Blackhawks Reports of three "shaggy-haired boys" who'd escaped a local orphanage recently led cops to a trio of newly-rich Blackhawks attempting to spread some holiday cheer. Read More  Del Negro refuses to answer phone on Christmas EveWednesday, Dec. 23, 2009 Fears Skiles-esque firing During a postgame press conference after the Bulls blew a 35-point lead against the Kings this week, a reporter asked head coach Vinny Del Negro what his plans will be for the Christmas holiday. A visibly shaken Del Negro shrugged. Read More Robbie Gould changes name to 'Mistletoe' in time for the holidays Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009 Bears' top offensive weapon inspired by Ocho Cinco Robbie Gould, the Bears' most consistent offensive player this year, has announced he is making an adjustment that he believes will go over well with fans and teammates alike. Read More Report from North Pole: Bears are 'naughty,' Hawks are 'nice' Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009 Bears to get coal, Hawks to get shiny new sticks Word at the North Pole is that this Christmas, Santa is leaning toward delivering shiny new hockey sticks for all the Blackhawks players, and stuffing lumps of coal in the Bears' stockings. Read More Late game: Bulls finish too early for deadline, but they surely couldn't have blown a 30-point lead Tuesday, Dec. 22, 2009 'This was a really great win for our team' Del Negro probably said Monday night's Bulls-Kings game finished past The Heckler's deadline, but we're almost positive the Bulls pulled this one out. As of press time, the Bulls held a nearly insurmountable 23-point lead in the fourth quarter. Simply put, there's just no way they could have blown this one. Read More  Dec. 09 issue is out: NFL Today adds 10th host; Bears demoted to CFL; Hawks sign entire team for lifeTuesday, Dec. 22, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's December issue has hit the streets. In addition to our award-winning unbelievable Chicago sports coverage, this month The Heckler names its first-ever Sportsman of the Year. Here's a hint: His nickname should be "Pick Six." Read More Down and out Jordan redeems steak coupon after suing Dominick's for using his picture on it Tuesday, Dec. 22, 2009 Also bets 100k in Vegas that he'll win case News broke this week that Michael Jordan is suing grocery chains Jewel and Dominick's for using his likeness without his consent in ads congratulating him for his Hall of Fame induction this summer. The Dominick's ad in question included a coupon for steak, which the former superstar promptly redeemed to save a few bucks. Read More Marquis signs with Nationals; career officially ends Monday, Dec. 21, 2009 'This franchise is a place where the careers of once-promising players go to die' Former Cubs starting pitcher and Lou Piniella whipping boy Jason Marquis today official signaled the end of his career by signing a two-year contract with the Washington Nationals. Read More  Psychiatrist worried Seattle weather may impact Bradley's Seasonal Affective DisorderMonday, Dec. 20, 2009 Advises anyone living within five miles of Safeco Field to 'move far far away' Cubs fans, players, GM Jim Hendry, and even Milton Bradley himself rejoiced Friday when the ill-tempered outfielder was traded to Seattle. The only person not celebrating was Bradley's longtime psychiatrist who feared the worst. Read More  Cubs trade really angry outfielder for really crappy pitcherFriday, Dec. 18, 2009 Bradley hopes eighth time is a charm in Seattle The Seattle Times is reporting today the Cubs have reached a deal with the Mariners that sends troubled outfielder Milton Bradley to Seattle in exchange for pitcher Carlos Silva. While Cubs fans will be quick to rejoice the departure of Bradley, Silva brings a new set of problems to Chicago: He's really bad at playing baseball. Read More  Cubs biggest news so far this winter involves a skating rinkThursday, Dec. 17, 2009 Second straight winter frozen body of water at Wrigley dominates Cubs news As the Cubs' slow off-season plods along, the biggest sports news on Chicago's North Side this winter has been the installation of a temporary skating rink in Wrigley Field's parking lot. Read More While the rich get richer, Cubs eye fat reliever with 5.80 ERA Tuesday, December 15, 2009 Hendry treads water as Phillies trade for Halladay, Red Sox sign Lackey A slow off-season in MLB heated up on Monday, when the rich got richer, as the Phillies and Red Sox added stud pitchers to their staffs. The Cubs did nothing. Read More  Orange Len Kasper caught leaving tanning salonFriday, Dec. 11, 2009 Lily white play-by-play man looking for more 'TV-friendly appearance' Always looking to hone his craft, Cubs broadcaster Len Kasper spent the majority of October pouring over last season's game tape, targeting areas of improvement for 2010. Read More  Hendry leaves Winter Meetings with successful sledding outing as biggest accomplishmentThursday, Dec. 10, 2009 'Do you know how tough it is to find a hill in Indy?' says Cubs GM After an extremely disappointing 2009, Cubs fans are desperate for good news this off-season. Cubs GM Jim Hendry failed to deliver a Milton Bradley trade or key free agent signing at the 2009 Winter Meetings in Indianapolis, which end today. He did, however, have a blast. Read More Bulls reach new level of suckiness with 35-point loss to Hawks Thursday, Dec. 10, 2009 Del Negro unsure how far low team can push itself Give the Bulls credit for one thing: They're never satisfied. Read More Radio Brief: Circus run at UC extended with Bulls playing role of clowns Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2009 While Ringling Bros. has left the United Center, the circus lives on with the Bulls playing like a bunch of clowns. Read More Cubs spurn Mesa and Naples, announce Spring Training move to Schaumburg Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2009 Team inks marketing deal with North Face Despite rumors the Cubs were planning to make Naples, Fla., their future Spring Training site, the team shocked fans this week by announcing they will instead shift their facilities to the Chicago suburb of Schaumburg. Read More Bulls put up valiant effort, fall short against worst team in the history of basketball Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2009 Bulls take over title as worst team in league The Bulls fought and clawed their way back from a double-digit deficit, but fell just short Tuesday in a 103-101 to the New Jersey Nets, also known as the worst team in the history of of the NBA. Read More Radio Brief: Cubs spurn Mesa and Naples, announce Spring Training move to Schaumburg Tuesday, Dec. 8, 2009 The Cubs figure out a way to maximize their profits from moving their Spring Training facilities. Read More  Hendry to overpay for free agents by only 30% this year due to lagging economyMonday, Dec. 7, 2009 Plans to focus on veterans out of the league 5 years Americans are struggling in these difficult economic times, but perhaps nobody is hurting more than Cubs GM Jim Hendry, who has been instructed by new team owner Tom Ricketts to only overpay free agents by 30 percent this off-season, a drastic cut from recent seasons. Read More  Mike North somehow gets a new job that doesn't involve selling hot dogsFriday, Dec. 4, 2009 News comes after tough 2009 for radio/TV host As reported in the Tribune late last week, hot dog vendor turned sports radio shock jock turned ignored TV morning show host Mike North is seriously getting another new TV show, this one at CBS-2. Read More Aaron Miles traded to Oakland for something other than Aaron Miles Friday, Dec. 4, 2009 Underperforming infielder's time in Chicago comes to unceremonious end Aaron Miles' arrival in Chicago was greeted with a collective shrug last year. Thursday, his departure earned a collective "Good riddance!" as the infielder was dealt to Oakland along with Jake Fox. Read More  President Obama tapped to coach Notre DameThursday, Dec. 3, 2009 Controversial pick met with anger, stunned disbelief Less than a week after firing Charlie Weis, Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick announced that he has inked President Barack Obama to a six-year deal to lead the Irish on the gridiron. Read More Radio Brief: Hendry spending offseason office hours sleeping, eating nachos Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2009 For the first ever, the Cubs GM is reprimanded by the team's owner for loafing through the offseason. Read More Gordon can't wait to show former teammates all the new 'defense' he's learned Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2009 'It's really cool, and real easy to do' When the Pistons come to the United Center for tonight's game, former Bulls guard Ben Gordon is excited to show his former team all the cool new skills he's learned--namely, how to play defense. Read More  New Hawks fan blocks other fan's view with his big, stupid headWednesday, Dec. 2, 2009 Newbie shows no consideration for those around him The Blackhawks' resurgence has brought a new generation of fans to the regularly sold-out United Center. Most in Chicago are happy to see it, but they don't sit behind a newbie fan like Jimmy Adams, who has never learned the etiquette of watching hockey in person. Read More  Forte's yards per carry dips below college GPATuesday, Dec. 1, 2009 'You try running behind Frank Omiyale or Old Man Orlando' says struggling RB RB Matt Forte isn't doing much to help the Bears' cause this season after accounting for nearly half the team's offense in 2008. For the first time in Forte's young career, his average yards per carry (3.3) have slipped well below his college GPA at Tulane (3.7). Read More  Linguist reveals 'Omiyale' translates to 'Oh, I missed my block'Tuesday, Dec. 1, 2009 Off-season acquisition not exactly panning out A renowned linguist from Oxford University recently studied the origin of Bears tackle Frank Omiyale's name, shedding some light on questions many fans have asked throughout the season. Read More  Ricketts orders Thanksgiving turkey, Milton Bradley deliveredTuesday, Nov. 24, 2009 Mishap results after confusion with staffer Tom Ricketts has much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, celebrating the holiday for the first time as owner of the Cubs. However, communications with his staff took a wrong turn in preparation for the Ricketts' big holiday feast. Read More  Top 10 other things the Cubs have done at Budweiser's commandMonday, Nov. 23, 2009 Major sponsor upset to lose rooftop ad space to local casino This weekend the Cubs placed signage in the back of Wrigley's left field bleachers to block fans' view of the former "Budweiser rooftop" to placate the beer marketer. Here are ten other things the Cubs have done because Budweiser wanted them to. Read More Noah 'out-uglies' Gasol in Bulls blowout loss to Lakers Friday, November 20, 2009 'I knew I was gonna have to be my ugliest tonight' The Bulls may have lost by 15 to the Lakers on Thursday, but Joakim Noah got the best of L.A.'s Pau Gasol in a battle of the two ugliest centers in the game. Read More  Bears alternative jerseys made from green screen materialFriday, Nov. 20, 2009 TV viewers must choose between advertisements After realizing mid-season they had to invest in a new offensive line, the Bears were forced to get creative in order to raise the necessary funds. This "out-of-the-box" thinking led to green screen jerseys that will now let the team broadcast ads directly onto players during games and comes just in time for Sunday's nationally broadcast game against the Eagles. Read More  Cubs sign Kenny PowersWednesday, Nov. 19, 2009 Hendry convinced HBO character will bolster bullpen In a surprise move, the Cubs made their first off-season acquisition by signing aging right-handed flamethrower Kenny Powers of the HBO series "Eastbound and Down" to an eight-year, $55 million deal. Read More Radio Brief: Lovie confident Bears can go 6-10, still make playoffs Tuesday, Nov. 17, 2009 The Bears coach continues to believe he has a playoff bound team no matter how bad their season goes. Read More  Nov. 09 issue is out: Cubs sign Kenny Powers; Bears lineman struggle, and much moreMonday, Nov. 16, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's November issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More Hendry deals Bradley for CTA fare cards Thursday, Nov. 12, 2009 Cubs left fielder will now serve as customer service attendant at Addison Red Line stop With the MLB General Managers meetings taking place at the luxurious O'Hare Hilton, everyone knew that trading clubhouse cancer Milton Bradley was Cubs GM Jim Hendry's first priority. No one knew, though, how low he would go until today, when he reportedly swapped the right fielder for a case of CTA fare cards. Read More Donaghy escapes from prison, waives off buzzer-beating shot Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2009 Disgraced former ref took Nuggets and the under Convicted felon/former NBA referee Tim Donaghy escaped from prison on Tuesday and arrived at the United Center just in time to waive off an apparent buzzer-beating basket by Brad Miller, as the Bulls fell to the Denver Nuggets, 90-89. Read More Radio Brief: Website with countdown to important Chicago sports events having trouble coming up with them Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2009 With big moments scarce, Chicagosports.com is forced to use its new countdown feature for more mediocre ones. Read More  Hester found at Field Museum after meandering punt returnMonday, Nov. 9, 2009 Also seen on stage at Northerly Island The improved play of wide receiver Devin Hester has helped the Bears offense vertically stretch the field this season, yet the speedster's punt returns continue to take him backwards, sideline-to-sideline and beyond. Read More  Urlacher injury to lead to a 37% population increaseFriday, Nov. 6, 2009 Linebacker now has plenty of time for procreating The U.S. Census Bureau released a report today estimating that Brian Urlacher's season-ending wrist injury will be directly responsible for a 37 percent rise in the population due to the additional time the linebacker can spend impregnating women. Read More  Reinsdorf doesn't understand how Ricketts can love the team he now ownsWednesday, Nov. 4, 2009 Bulls, Sox owner claims to hate his teams and their fans Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is a longtime fan of his new ballclub, a fact that doesn't sit well with crosstown front office man Jerry Reinsdorf. Read More Radio Brief: Reinsdorf doesn't understand how Ricketts can love the team he owns Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2009 The White Sox owner feels animosity towards team and its fans is the right way to go. Read More  Park District places Walter Payton statue on Soldier Field playing surfaceMonday, Nov. 2, 2009 Bears disappointed by resolution, but hopeful it will become advantage Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of Walter Payton's untimely passing and an apparent end to the ongoing disagreement over a proposed Soldier Field statue of the legendary running back. The Bears aren't particularly happy about it, however, as the six-foot tall bronze figure now stands on the field of play. Read More  Paterno eyeglasses used to fix damaged Hubble Telescope lensFriday, Oct. 30, 2009 Coach's optometrist not sure he can make new glasses thick enough Penn State will be led by a vision-impaired Joe Paterno against Northwestern this weekend after NASA used one of his thick eyeglass lenses to replace the damaged Hubble telescope. Read More  Report: Ricketts firing Cubs staffers Ari Gold-styleFriday, Oct. 30, 2009 New owner turns out to be a big fan of 'Entourage' Longtime Cubs staffers today learned the hard way that new owner Tom Ricketts is a big fan of the HBO show "Entourage," specifically the Ari Gold character played by Jeremy Piven who this season let staffers at a newly acquired company know they were fired by blasting them with a paintball gun. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: Halloween 2008Friday, Oct. 30, 2009 Count Woo-Woo wasn't exactly spooktacular Even when dressed up for Halloween, Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers can't shake his Cubs' superfan persona. Here he is as Count Woo-Woo at Harry Caray's Halloween bash last year. Read More Bulls fan still doesn't know who team drafted Thursday, Oct. 29, 2009 Longtime Bulls fan Joe Chomisecki admitted he couldn’t actually name either of the team's selections from June's NBA draft, despite his claims to the contrary. Read More Ricketts badly injured in freak accident in first day as Cubs owner Wednesday, October 28, 2009 New owner now holed up in bunker 300 feet below Earth's surface Longtime North Side fans won't be surprised to learn that another "Cubbie occurrence" struck their favorite team earlier this week when Tom Ricketts took a terrible spill walking to work on the first day as the new Cubs' owner. Ricketts was badly hurt and is now recuperating in his family's newly constructed war room 300 feet below the Earth's surface. Read More Under McGwire, Cardinals hitters to abandon doubles and triples Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2009 'Mark is going to teach our guys to focus on either end of the hitting spectrum: homers or singles' While much has been made of the steroid-injecting past of new hitting coach Mark McGwire, inside sources suggest that the team has a deeper strategy up its sleeve. Read More Cards hire McGwire as hitting coach/steroid injector Tuesday, Oct. 27, 2009 La Russa makes reactionary move after three-game playoff sweep When the Cubs got swept out of the playoffs by the Dodgers in 2008, GM Jim Hendry made a reactionary off-season move by signing malcontent Milton Bradley to a lucrative contract, and saw the decision blow up in his face. The Cardinals -- who this year were swept in the first round by the Dodgers -- made a similar reflex move Monday, hiring deposed former slugger Mark McGwire as their new hitting coach/resident steroid injector. Read More  Local teen reclaims stolen possessions from 'Monsters in the Morning' setTuesday, Oct. 27, 2009 North claims to have bought everything off eBay for less than $100 Jimmy Kain of Lombard was relieved to learn that the contents of his bedroom--stolen two weeks ago in a home burglary--had been located safe and sound on the set of Comcast SportsNet's "Monsters in the Morning" TV show hosted by Mike North. Read More  Lovie's moment of indigestion mistaken for emotion after ugly loss to BengalsMonday, Oct. 26, 2009 Bears coach blames pre-game breakfast for perceived anger Despite video evidence suggesting he clearly expressed disgust after Chicago's 35-point loss against Cincinnati Sunday, Bears head coach Lovie Smith continues to vehemently deny a public display of emotion ever happened. Read More  Woo-Woo in History: Amazin' Mets of 1969Friday, Oct. 23, 2009 Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers often tells people he's been a Cubs superfan since birth, but he switched sides if only for a bit when the upstart Mets took the world by storm in 1969. Read More Fox hires Ozzie as World Series commentator Thursday, Oct. 22, 2009 FCC prepares for big payday Fox announced Wednesday it hired foul-mouthed White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen as a pre- and post-game World Series analyst. Surprisingly, the FCC is thrilled by the news. Read More  South Sider welches on promise to cut mullet if Sox miss playoffsThursday, Oct. 22, 2009 Can't give up his 'pride and joy' Joe Malonecki, an out-of-work South Sider, has gone back on his promise to shear off his beloved mullet if the Sox failed to make the postseason. His friends were perplexed by his unwillingness to part with the hairstyle nearly a month after his team was eliminated from postseason contention. Read More ESPN demotes Steve Phillips to minors Thursday, Oct. 22, 2009 'Steve has completely lost his eye for talent' Phillips, who previously was general manager for the Mets, admitted having an affair with 22-year-old Brooke Hundley, a woman described by the New York Post as "the tubby temptress." Read More  Cubs sign Jaramillo as hitting coach/right fielderWednesday, Oct. 21, 2009 Hendry considers bringing back Bradley The Cubs signed hitting guru Rudy Jaramillo to a three-year deal today as hitting coach and right fielder, filling two desperate needs from its dismal 2009 season. Read More  Pistons find out Gordon is only 5-foot-2Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2009 Former Bull measures 5-foot-4 in boots After a recent workout, the Pistons came to the shocking revelation that free agent signee Ben Gordon is really only 5-foot-2. The Pistons found out after measuring the former Bulls guard, who they signed to a five-year, $55 million deal this summer. Read More Radio Brief: Steve Rosenbloom to only use absolutes when writing about the Bears Monday, Oct. 19, 2009 The sportswriter will see things entirely in black and white when it comes to the Bears this season. Read More  Kevin Gregg gets off-season job at Olive GardenTuesday, Oct. 20, 2009 'I'm really good at serving meatballs' says Cubs reliever Cubs reliever Kevin Gregg will be busy working this winter. But instead of concentrating on pitching, he will be dishing out endless amounts of pasta, salad and breadsticks at a local Olive Garden. Read More  Salaam, Enis give Forte adviceTuesday, Oct. 20, 2009 'Smoke more weed' and 'Get really fat' say former Bears Bears RB Matt Forte has had a tough go thus far in his second season, and struggled mightily Sunday night against Atlanta. Former promising Chicago tailbacks Rashaan Salaam and Curtis Enis have begun offering Forte some words of wisdom. Read More  Oct 09 issue is out: New Soldier Field Carpet; Gregg's tasty new gig; Impact of Urlacher's injury on the population; and much moreFriday, Oct. 16, 2009 Chicago sports news you won't find anywhere else Great news: The Heckler's October issue has hit the streets. As usual, it's packed full of unbelievable sports news. Read More  Over-excited Bears bronze Cutler's arm during bye weekThursday, Oct. 8, 2009 QB already using it as conversation piece at downtown clubs Following only a few impressive games, the Bears took an unusual measure toward preserving the arm of their new franchise quarterback. A team official confirmed Jay Cutler's right arm had been plated in copper after the team's win over the Lions last Sunday. Read More |
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